Three to Tango Two to Die
by GrimmZ
Summary: On a camping trip with Akane, Ryoga begins to fall for another girl (not an OC) this begins a chain of events that cause chaos! Can the 1/2 cast ease the sorrows of three angry ghosts? Probably not.
1. The Ghost in Me

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2, if I did this wouldn't be a fanfiction. But I don't, so it is, you follow?  
  
  
The cast of Ranma 1/2 were all seated on logs and rocks around a camp fire, it'd been Akane's idea to have a big family camp out, but several people like decided to tag along. Ranma came because Mr. Tendo invited him and his father, but Ukyo and Shampoo followed Ranma. Mousse followed Shampoo, Kuno followed the Tree Born Kettle Girl (Female Ranma) and Ryoga just sort of stumbled upon the camp sight and was invited to stay by the ever kind Kasumi and Akane.  
  
Part One  
The Ghost in Me  
  
Her smile was so nice, so warm. Too warm . . . Ryoga felt like he was on fire!  
'Wow!' He thought to himself. 'Akane sure is pretty tonight, not that she isn't pretty every night. Man I'm burning up! It really does feel like I'm on fire! The warmth is moving from my hand to my arm and-'  
"Hey Ryoga!" Ranma called. "You know your arm is on fire right?"  
Ryoga wanted to ignore Ranma, but his subconscious wouldn't let him. "Of course my arm is on fire. It's burning with love for-AAAHHH! It IS on fire!" He cried and started dancing around the campfire like an Indian doing a rain dance.  
Kasumi was about to douse him with water, but Ranma quickly put out the flames with a blanket. "Don't splash him with water!" Ranma protested. "He'll go into shock!"  
Ryoga sat down a little further from the fire, thankful to Ranma but not willing to admit it.  
"Be more careful, no roasting marshmallows for you Ryoga." Kasumi said.  
"Aww . . ." Ryoga sighed.  
"It's okay," Nabiki said, "You can have one of mine . . . for about five hundred-" Kasumi gave her a very stern glance. "Er, I mean you can just have it." She chose one of the ten sticks she had put into the ground, and without looking at it, passed it to Ryoga.  
Ryoga's eyes swelled up, as he accepted Nabiki's generous gift. Never had he been shown such kindness. He didn't even mind that the thing was still on fire when he ate it . . . well, he did mind he just swallowed before he figured it out.  
"Oh Ryoga!" Kasumi said. "I told you to be more careful!"  
"That was cool, let's see him do it again!" Nabiki said, handing him another marshmallow after making sure it caught fire.  
"Nabiki!" Akane cried.  
Ryoga downed the marshmallow.  
"Holy crap!" Ranma cried. "Ryoga, what the heck is wrong with you?"  
"Rhyme rot her." Ryoga said, his tongue was numb.  
"What?" Akane asked.  
"He said he's not sure." Soun Tendo translated. "No matter, I'm sure he'll be okay in no time-Nabiki don't give him another one!"  
"Spoil sport." Nabiki huffed.  
"Well how about some ghost stories?" Ukyo asked.  
"Yes! A great Idea!" Mousse said. "Let me go first?"  
"No Mousse first!" Shampoo declared. "Ranma go first."  
"Yeah, let Ranma-honey go first!" Ukyo said.  
"Lets see just how scary Ranma is." Akane said sarcastically.  
"Look at his face and you'll see how scary he is!" Ryoga muttered a bit to loudly.  
"I know how to settle this." Nabiki sighed. "Mousse wants to go first, but everyone wants Ranma to go first. So instead, why don't I go first?"  
"Fine." Mousse said.  
"I didn't have a story anyway." Ranma shrugged.  
Shampoo and Ukyo gave Nabiki evil stares, but Nabiki paid them no mind. She took a deep breath, and began . . .  
  
"And *that* is why you must never play a Star Wars video game!" Nabiki finished.  
Everyone shuddered at the end of her scary story. Could every Star Wars video game ever developed really be that bad? The horror!  
"Me next!" Kuno cried.  
"Shampoo say Ranma next!" Shampoo said, hugging Ranma's arm.  
"Stop trying to make me go next!" Ranma protested.  
"Shampoo so scared, Ranma protect Shampoo from evil Star Wars yes?" Shampoo asked.  
"Stop hugging my arm!" Ranma cried.  
"I'll protect you Shampoo!" Mousse cried.  
"Look Mousse, its Darth Vader!" Ryoga cried, pointing to a big tree behind Mousse.  
"What! Ahh! Where? Ahh!" Mousse cried as he dove for cover.  
Nabiki smiled wryly, then sighed. "I think we should grab straws."  
"Great idea!" Akane said. "Anyone have any straws?"  
Everyone said "no"  
So it was decided to pull hairs out of Panda-Genma's back and see which was the longest.  
  
It was a while before Mousse got his chance to be winner of the straw drawing, but eventually he got to tell his story. And indeed it was a very scary story.  
"The boy came out of his tent! He could hear the sound of waves breaking on the rocks, but he knew the nearest beach wasn't for a hundred miles! Still he heard it! K-chhssss, K-chhssss! And that's when he saw it! His father, sitting by the camp fire . . . with the whole case of beer!"  
Everyone fell over.  
"Drinking them all! The sounds of waves were the opening of the beer cans! K-chhssss! K-chhssss!"  
"That's it!" Ranma cried. "I should have just gone next!"  
"Let me go next." Mr. Tendo said. "I have one that actually IS scary, and doesn't involve video games, beer cans, Ranma raping the Pigtailed Girl (he glanced at Kuno) or (he glanced at Kasumi) a lack of cooking lard!"  
"Okay, fine then!" Ranma said indignantly.  
Ahem. They say that there was once a happy couple living in this forest. Yes. A happy couple indeed."  
"Were not in a forest, this is a national park's designated camping ground" Akane protested.  
"It used to be a forest." Her father scolded.  
"It used to be a lake, then they filled it in to make it look like a forest." Kuno said matter-o-factly.  
"For the love of god just let me tell the story!" Mr. Tendo cried. "Anyway, they were man and wife for many years, but as with all good things, their happiness was coming to an end. For you see the man had an illness that could only be cured by the petals of a certain flower that no longer grew in the area. His dutiful wife searched everywhere for the flower, but never found it."  
"That's so sad!" Ranma cried.  
"Did he die?" Ryoga asked.  
"No. For soon he discovered that it was just food poisoning, and he recovered. His wife was still gone though. He was greatly pained, and feared for her safety. But then, at last his heart was eased when he married his wife's sister. They got married the day after his wife set off to find the flowers"  
"The cad!" Kuno scoffed.  
"That jerk!" Ukyo agreed.  
"His wife returned on their honeymoon night with the flowers her husband so desperately needed,"  
"And we all know what couples do on their honeymoon night." Nabiki laughed with wicked anticipation.  
"Quite right Nabiki. Outraged the man's dutiful wife flew upon her husband and sister and ran them through with a spear!"  
"Where did she get the spear?" Akane asked.  
"From a spear shop." Mr. Tendo said, looking like he was starting to get annoyed. "Anyway she stabbed them both, but then as she looked upon them she saw that she had killed two of the most important people in her life, and she couldn't stand the pain. So she took the spear and stabbed herself as well."  
"Wait, wouldn't her husband and sister have noticed if she came in with a spear?" Ranma asked.  
"For the love of god just shut up!" Mr. Tendo said. "I'm not finished yet. Anyway, it is said that her ghost still haunts this place, filled with sorrow and anger for her loss. It is said that some times her soul inhabits the body of a young woman and she decapitates young lovers!"  
"Why does she decapitate them?" Mr. Saotome asked. "I thought she ran her husband and sister through with a spear, what does decapitation have to do with anything?"  
"To hell with it!" Tendo cried. "I give up! You people are nonstop! I'm going to sleep!" He stomped off to his tent.  
"We'd best follow his example. Okay, boys to the boys tent and girls to the girls tent." Saotome said.  
"But I didn't get to tell my story!" Ryoga protested.  
"We'll listen to it tomorrow." Akane said sweetly.  
"It won't be as scary tomorrow." Ryoga sighed.  
"Well, I'm not quite done with these marshmallows, why don't you hang out with me, tell me your story and have a few?" Nabiki asked with a false sweetness that Ryoga didn't quite catch.  
Saotome looked as if he were about to scold Nabiki, but just shrugged and walked off snickering when Ryoga ate another burning marshmallow.   
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Akane laid back in her sleeping bag, thinking about the story that her father told her, and wondering if she'd stab Ranma with a spear if she caught him with Kasumi or Nabiki. She wondered if she'd need to catch him with anyone before she decided to run him through.  
  
Kasumi wondered if the gang would need breakfast cooked tomorrow. She also wondered how she'd feel if she caught her feature husband (Jet Li) in bed with one of her sisters. She decided she would bash his brains in with a frying pan, then kiss his booboo and then everyone would be happy.  
  
Ranma wondered if Akane would run him through with a spear if he made a move on sweet ass Kasumi or Nabiki. He reasoned and used his logic to come to the conclusion that Akane would be willing to share him with her sisters.  
  
The only thing Nabiki wondered about was how many burning marshmallows Ryoga could eat at once. She bet him five hundred yen that he couldn't eat ten, but unfortunately she lost. She didn't mind the loss of money because she was quite entertained by the rain dance Ryoga did afterwards.  
  
Ryoga was wondering why Nabiki was being so nice to keep giving him marshmallows? Did she have a crush on him? What about Akane? Poor Akane, he'd simply have to give one of them up. Well Nabiki was feeding him, and Akane wasn't so . . . No! No he cared too much about Aka-ooh another marshmallow? Okay!  
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Ryoga told his story to Nabiki who paid little to no attention. Her main focus was getting the marshmallows just right so that they caught fire, but didn't melt off the stick, or spread to her hand as she passed them to a very full Ryoga.  
As the ghost of Saizo Hidetatsu watched the pair she had a strange urge to decapitate them.  
  
To Be Continued . . .   
  
A/N: This fic will eventually become a full-blown Ryoga + Nabiki + Akane love triangle thing (Akane + Ranma in healthy enough doses for authenticity), for now it's just goofiness. I know that Ryoga + Nabiki isn't a popular coupling, (I've searched FanFic.Net for about a day now and haven't found ONE) so that's why I'm writing this. I'm also hoping it's not SO unpopular that you won't read the fic and see that it's still funny anyway. 


	2. Alligator Omelets with a side of Kasumi

Shampoo: Disclaimers on part one. You not like? It no hard backtrack yes?  
Grimm: Shampoo! Let ME do that! You go do . . . something else.  
Shampoo: Shampoo go do Ranma! (big smile)  
Grimm: Uh . . . yeah, fine, go do Ranma you obsessive cute yet foolish thing. Go.  
Ranma: Nnnoooo!  
  
  
Ranma 1/2  
Alligator Omelets with a side of Kasumi  
  
Ryoga woke up on a log the next morning. There was an assortment of burnt sticks around him. Nabiki had gone to sleep in the girls tent, but Ryoga had simply conked out on the floor.  
He woke up smelling something wonderful! "Whoa!" He yawned. "Is that breakfast?"  
"It sure is." Akane said cheerfully. "One heaping order of Akane Tendo's Special Surprise Omelets on the way!"  
"Great!" Ryoga said.  
"Why isn't Kasumi cooking?" Ranma asked as he came out of the boy's tent.  
"Oh, about that . . . she woke up this morning, started screaming things in gibberish, tore off all her cloths and rolled around in the mud, then ran off into the forest screaming "Weenie!" like a maniac." Akane said evenly.  
"Wow . . . that's a first." Ryoga said, trying to envision Kasumi doing such a thing . . . it was a shockingly pleasant image . . . oh yes.  
"Your kidding!" Ranma cried. "We have to find her!" He ran into the forest.  
"He's right!" Ryoga said, standing up, but Akane shook her head.  
"I was only joking." She said. "I woke up extra early so I could cook breakfast."  
"Oh . . . oh . . . oh . . . eh . . . okay." Ryoga said, wondering if he should call out to Ranma, but in the end deciding that Ranma would figure it out sooner or later.  
"Here Ryoga, you woke up first, have the first one!"  
"Wow! Thanks!" Women kept feeding him on this trip, Ryoga decided he'd go camping more often. He ate the omelet before he remembered it was Akane's cooking. He choked it down and forced a smile. "It's great." He said. "Uh . . . Akane, where did you get the eggs?"  
"Oh, I found them near a lake, I think their duck eggs, the shells are over there." Akane said.  
Ryoga inspected the shells. They felt leathery and resembled . . . "Nah." He said to himself. "Alligators don't live in Japan."  
Suddenly, Akane shuddered, and fell to the ground. She got up and laughed sinisterly. "Ryoga!" She cried. "How could you betray me? I shall cut your head off!"  
Ryoga dropped the eggshell he was inspecting and his jaw as well.  
Akane sighed and shook her head. "I was joking again, don't you remember the story my dad told us las night?" She asked.  
Ryoga tried to regain his cool composure. "Of course I do Akane, I was merely playing along."  
Suddenly there was a scream and female Ranma, dripping with swamp slime ran into the camp ground screaming "It's after me! I'm gonna die! Don't let it get me! I'm gonna die!"  
Ryoga was on his feet and on his guard in an instant, preparing for whatever may come.  
"Well Ranma? What is it? What's after you?"  
"Ahh!" Ranma whimpered. "It must have eaten Kasumi!"  
"It what!" Ryoga cried before he remembered that Kasumi running off had been a joke.  
Suddenly the trees near them shook, and a huge alligator appeared. It reared up and roared.  
"Whoa!" Ryoga gasped.  
"Roaring!" Kuno cried as he came out of the tent. "At my pigtailed girl AND my dear Akane? You will suffer Alligator!" He lunged forward and made a thrust with his wooden sword, but the alligator was a fomridable foe, and with a sweep of it's tail it knocked him asside.  
"Yay!" female Ranma cried, "Maybe it'll eat Kuno and be to full to eat me!"  
"Eat? Did some one say eat? I better start making breakfast!" Kasumi said, coming out of the tent.  
Ranma stared at her for a second, then looked at Akane with a hateful glare. "Ran off screaming "Weenie" huh?" Ranma scoffed.  
"Have you all forgotten the gigantic alligator? Akane, how many of those eggs are left?"  
"Well there were about fifty, but I only took ten."  
"How many do you have?" Ryoga asked again.  
"Five left."  
"Hand em!" Ryoga cried, Akane threw the eggs at him, he caught four, the fifth one landed on his head.  
Ryoga dashed off into the forest, following the tracks Akane had left, surely they would lead to the beast's nest. The alligator followed him, from back at camp he heard Kuno cry "Run foe-beast! Run for you have faced your most powerful foe! None can stand a blow from me!"  
Ryoga followed the tracks successfully finding the nest, it was easy because he was running so fast, and the nest was so close he didn't have time to get lost-it was a miracle.  
He threw the eggs into the nest, but stumbled and fell into the swamp, emerging as P-Chan.  
'Interestingly enough, I don't remember there BEING a swamp.' Ryoga thought.  
The gator splashed into the water, and P-Chan swam frantically, but unfortunately the gator was on him in a second.  
"Ho there!" A voice said. "Jasper, let him go!"  
The gator let Ryoga/P-Chan out of his mouth, and the little piggy swam to the nearest shore bank. He got lost along the way and ended up on the opposite side of the river the camp was on.  
"Alright then?" A man asked. Ryoga/P-Chan looked at him, and nodded. The man was dressed in very old clothing of what seemed to be an even older fashion. His hair was tied back in an old-fashioned hair cut with the top of his head shaved completely. "Don't worry little pig, I know how to handle Jasper."  
'And what is this Jasper doing here in the first place?' Ryoga wondered.  
"I'll get you back to your friends." The man continued.  
'You'll what?' Ryoga wondered again. He wished he could talk in pig form.  
The man walked across key stones in the swamp, and then straight towards the Tendo camp. "Not to worry," He said to P-Chan. "Jasper is really an old teddy bear she is. There are far more dangerous things in this forest, you'd best leave as soon as possible."  
'For the love of all things sacred were not IN a forest!' Ryoga thought.  
  
  
Nabiki emerged from the girl's tent, and yawned. "What's the plan today?"  
"Were packing up." Soun said. "Kasumi was eaten by a crocodile, and Ryoga was carried away by man eating walruses."  
"I'm right here father." Kasumi said.  
"Ryoga was eaten by the crocodile, and there are no walruses." Ranma said calmly.  
"Then what ate my darling child Kasumi!" Soun cried.  
"I'm right here father!" Kasumi repeated, a little louder this time.  
Nabiki shook her head. "Ryoga was eaten by a crocodile? I knew I shouldn't have slept in, that must have been fun to watch."  
"How can you say that!" Akane cried. "Poor poor Ryoga is probably lost in the forest! It's all Ranma's fault too!"  
"My fault?" Ranma asked. "You were the one who took the crock's eggs, and you're the one who lied and told me that Kasumi had run off into the forest, even though now that I think about it there IS no forest! It's just a bunch of trees and a swamp!"  
"You're serious?" Nabiki asked. "Ryoga really was eaten?" She had minimal concern for Ryoga's safety, but her own was a different story. The fact that there was a man-eating crocodile was rather important information.  
"No, not eaten." Ranma said. "He just ran off to distract the croc, and got lost, that's Ryoga for you."  
"But there IS a croc?" Nabiki demanded.  
"Yep." Ranma sighed.  
"Okay, I'm out of here." Nabiki scoffed.  
"A wise choice." A man said. "You had all better leave soon, dire consiquences await those who say. Oh, who's piglet is this?" He added, holding up a black piglet.  
"Oh P-Chan! What are you doing here?" Akane cried.  
"Here you go." The man said, handing Akane the piglet. He gave her an odd look and shook his head. "You look familiar. No matter, I'm afraid I must be quite brief with you. These woods are not safe, you must all leave as soon as you can, there are worse things about than crocodiles and alligators."  
"Uh, okay." Akane said.  
"He's right you know." Nabiki said. "Now lets scram!"  
"What about Ryoga?" Kasumi asked.  
"Something tells me, if P-Chan is okay, Ryoga is fine too." Ranma said.  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Akane asked, P-Chan gave Ranma a deadly look. Nabiki noticed that P-Chan acted as if he could understand the conversation as it went, he'd even nodded when Nabiki had suggested leaving.  
"Well if P-Chan can survive, Ryoga can too. We'll probably find him on our doorstep by tomorrow or something."  
"I hope your right." Akane said.  
"Your friend is in no danger." The man said. He gave P-Chan a strange look. "He's already safe, but you all would be safer if you left now."  
"Okay!" Soun cried. "But first we need to find my daughter Kasumi!"  
"I'm right HERE father!" Kasumi screamed.  
  
Saizo watched the campers pack up and get ready to leave. "It's not that easy Sakon, I've set my sights on that group, I'll have my fun with them no matter where they go."  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	3. It Moves the Plot

Ukyo: Disclaimers are on part one! Don't worry, I'll let you know if there's anything else we need to disclaim.  
Grimm: Lemme go!  
Ukyo: Silence! If you ever want to get out of that cage you'll do what I say! Now type it as I say it! Type it fool!  
  
Ukyo and Ranma got married and live happily ever after. Akane dies of several intestinal diseases and Shampoo is deported and her ship sinks at sea, drowning her. Ukyo has five hundred children and they're all as cute as Ranma-honey (whack) I mean Ranma.  
  
  
Part 2 1/2  
It Moves the Plot  
  
All was quiet in the Tendo house, Ryoga had shown up shortly after they arrived home, interestingly enough he came out of the bathroom(but no one saw him go in), Nabiki was going to question him about that but decided she didn't really want to risk whatever the answer might be.  
As she sat at her desk working on various projects-a contract for Kuno, a scam contract for Ukyo, and a picture of a froggy jumping into a pond-she was blissfully unaware of the evil eyes that watched her and plotted.  
  
"I hate this one the most." Saizo scoffed. "She looks to much like Yuki."  
"Let her be." Sakon sighed. "She's done nothing to you, and she's left your swamp."  
"FOREST!" Saizo screamed. "It's a forest and don't you forget it!" She looked at the mortal girl again, working with her various contracts and her fool picture. "Look at her! She's the spitting image of Yuki!" Saizo scoffed.  
"That short one is the spitting image of you, you know." Sakon said before he thought. "So no doubt this family is our distant descendants and we should leave them alone." He added quickly.  
"He *have* no descendants! We had no children!" Saizo growled.  
"Yes well . . . perhaps they're the children of my younger brother-after all they did know our legend . . ."  
"I haven't been dead so long that I've become a fool! You don't have a brother, and I don't care." Saizo scoffed. "That one, I hate her." Saizo grinned. "She'll go first."  
  
Ryoga snuck into Akane's room with a box of chocolates from Hokkaido. He made absolutely sure that he was in the right room, then hid himself. He'd pop out and give her the chocolates!  
He heard voices, and he hid behind the door.  
"Don't you have a 'forest' to haunt?" A familiar voice asked.  
"I'm tired of that my love. These campers were a hellsend, I'll rend them asunder." A woman's voice.  
"I'm not sure what that means," the man from the swamp said as he walked into Akane's room. "But I suspect it's bad."  
"Indeed it is for them. Oh I know you grow tired of it all my dear husband, but this is my hobby."  
"After what you did you call me 'husband'? Saizo you're twisted and evil. You are nothing like the woman I married." The two came into the room. One was the man from the swamp, the other was . . . Akane?  
Akane with a strange inner glow. She wore a tattered and torn Kimono that looked as if it'd been pulled out of a fire. The man from the swamp was dressed the same as he'd been in the swamp, but he had a strange inner glow as well.  
"I don't really care how twisted or evil I am." Akane said. "All I know is that this little family will be the most fun I've had in years! You notice that older girl? The one who cooks? I think I'll slip a few rats in her stew tonight, lets see how that goes."  
"What would that accomplish?" The odd man from the swamp asked.  
"It'd be worth a laugh!" Akane said harshly. Far to harshly to be Akane!  
Ryoga was bewildered! What were they talking about? Akane had to be rehearsing for a play!  
"I know!" Akane said with a grin. "I'll possess that boy with the pigtail, and get those two girls pregnant, you know, the ones who always follow him!"  
"You will not!" The man said sternly. "You will not go so far as to bring new and innocent lives into this world simply because it'd be 'worth a laugh' Saizo!"  
Akane/Saizo turned on the man. "Is that so Sakon? Well what will you do to stop me? You can't kill me, that's been taken care of." She said with a wicked laugh.  
This couldn't be a play rehearsal, what was going on?  
"Saizo! You're mad! Think about what you're saying! Why these people? Why anyone at all?" Sakon asked. "I was the one who hurt you, not them."  
"Because I can." Saizo shrugged. "And hurting them pains you, so I love it all the more. Say, I wonder where that pig went, I could have him cooked for dinner to make that little girl cry."  
'Whoa!' Ryoga thought. 'I don't like the sound of this at all.'  
Sakon took a fighting stance. "Saizo!" He grunted. "Were going back to the swamp!"  
"You can't make me." Saizo shrugged. "And it's a forest."  
"Were going back." Sakon repeated. "And no Saizo, it's a swamp. It's a stupid, stupid swamp and that's all there is to it! You won't cut up that pig, you won't get those girls pregnant, you won't kill *anyone* and you will not stay here!" Sakon reached into his old-ish robes and drew a long dagger. "Come quietly or else."  
"No!" Ryoga cried, lunging forward towards Sakon. It'd been a reflex, he couldn't let anyone hurt Akane! "Don't hurt Akane!" he cried. But he kept running, and fell on his face. When he got up and looked back there was no one there.  
  
"What the-" Saizo asked with a wicked laugh.  
"Fool boy!" Sakon grunted.  
"Keeheehee!" Saizo cackled. "Oh what a fool! Hey Sakon, do you think he can see us?"  
"He tried to attack me didn't he? He must have thought you were the little daughter, I told you she looks just like you." Sakon shook his head. "I didn't allow myself to be seen, did you?"  
Saizo shrugged. "I don't think so."  
"Then how did he?" Sakon wondered out loud.  
Saizo shrugged again. "Maybe we got sloppy."  
"Saizo." Sakon said. "Promise me, you won't kill anyone. On our love promise me!"  
Saizo huffed. "Fine. I won't kill anyone . . . but that doesn't mean I won't have fun with them."  
"Don't ruin their lives just because they still have lives to live." Sakon said coldly.  
Saizo glared at him. How dare he? Well that was fine because she'd lied about not killing anyone. "Oh, and Sakon, one thing." She said.  
"What?" Sakon asked.  
"It's a forest." Saizo said sweetly. She then floated away to seek out a pair of nice fat rats.  
  
Ryoga rubbed the bump on his head and sighed. "Should I tell everyone about this? Who'd believe me?" He shook his head to clear it.  
"Ryoga!" Akane said as she came into the room. "What are you doing here?"  
"Oh! Akane!" Ryoga said, utterly forgetting the things he'd just heard as a wave of shyness overtook him. "I eh . . . well I just got back from Hokkaido and I had these chocolates, and well their too sweet for my liking but I thought you might like them because your sweet-eh I mean you like chocolate right?"  
"Uh . . . sure Ryoga, thanks." Akane said.  
"I uh . . . better be going." Ryoga said. It wasn't until he'd run out of Akane's room that he remembered Sakon and Saizo. "Oh! Wait!" He cried, but Akane had closed the door. Ryoga took a deep breath. "Man, what was that? Did I imagine it? I had too . . . what else could the answer be? Yeah. I fell asleep waiting for Akane, that's it.  
"Hey P-Chan!" Female-Ranma called. "Bath time!"  
"What the-" Ryoga ran for dear life as Ranma chased him with a water gun. "Grow up a little, what are you doing?! Ranma!!"  
  
Nabiki slid into a nice hot bath. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. The steam rose and fogged up the nearby mirror. She leaned back and closed her eyes, suddenly the door swung open and she heard screaming.  
Kasumi walked in and grabbed father's razor. "Rats!" She cried. "Rats!"  
Nabiki groaned as Kasumi ran off, leaving the door wide open. "Hey Kasumi!" She shouted, but no reply came.  
Nabiki relaxed a bit. Who'd bother her anyway? Akane? The only guy in the house was Ranma, and what were the odds he'd bother her? Besides, she was far to relaxed to get out of the bath and close the door herself.  
A mistake. She closed her eyes. She heard Ranma laughing her head off and screaming "I got you P-Chan! I got you!"  
Suddenly there was a squealing sound. "Squee!" then something jumped into the bath like a rock. Ryoga emerged from the water with a big splash. "Ranma! I'll tare you limb from limb!"  
Ranma stuck her head in the door. "Oh you silly willie, you wouldn't hurt little ol me now would-" Ranma fell silent when he and Nabiki's eyes met and locked. "Eh . . . g'bye!" she cried as she ran off.  
"You better run!" Nabiki shouted. "You too!" She snapped at Ryoga.  
Ryoga stumbled to get out of the immediate area, and slipped and hit his head. He mumbled something that sounded like "not again" as he went down.  
  
Ryoga opened his eyes slowly, he sat up in bed and looked around.  
Wait a minute . . . in bed? What happened? He was lying in some one's bed, in some one's room.  
"Finally awake huh?" Nabiki asked.  
"Oh!" Ryoga said. "Did I fall asleep in here?"  
"You don't remember?" Nabiki questioned.  
"Well no." Ryoga said "I don't remember much of anything . . ." He frowned and tried to focus. He did remember coming back from Hokkaido with chocolate for Akane, and he vaguely remembered being chased by Ranma. Everything else was a blur. Except one thing . . . something he'd herd somewhere. "Saizo". What the word meant he wasn't sure.  
"Good." Nabiki said. "I wouldn't want you remembering the events of today." She went back to her deskwork.  
"Why? Did something bad happen?" Ryoga asked "Ouch!" He said as he felt the bumps on his head. "I hit my head?"  
"Yep." Nabiki said. "And we'll just leave it at that for now."  
  
Saizo sat on the roof of the Tendo household sulking. At Sakon's request (and threat) she'd agreed not to get the two girls pregnant, and she'd agreed not to kill the pig.. "Wouldn't have been that much fun anyway." She said to herself. She'd also agreed not to kill people, but she didn't plan on holding up that bargain 'But there is one thing I never agreed to' Saizo thought to herself with a wicked smile. 'I said I wouldn't get those two girls pregnant, and I said I wouldn't kill the pig.' She reasoned. 'I said nothing about that girl that looks like Yuki!'  
  
Little did Saizo know, she wasn't the only evil force plotting evil yet utterly stupid things.  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	4. Mysterious Love

Disclaimer: I don't own jack!  
Jack: Hey!  
Disclaimer: I don't own *anything*  
Jack: Better.  
Disclaimer: Except Jack.  
Jack: HEY!  
  
(Yoyo. Just so ya know "It Moves the Plot" was meant to move the plot, that's why it wasn't very funny (that's also why it was part 2 1/2) those are gonna come around every now and then and in this case since the heroes are oblivious to Saizo's existence I had to focus on her more than I originally intended, and make her seem more hateful and evil so you'd really wanna see her get beat down. But I apologize if the chapter was to 'dark'. I didn't mean for it to be, this is supposed to be a humor fic after all.)  
  
A/N: This chapter may raise some questions about Saizo and Sakon, but it may answer a few as well (if you have a keen mind) also if you want to turn this into a mystery fic, I'll hint you that Soun got some parts of his story wrong. The first would be how Sakon, Saizo and Yuki died. Oh, also important, Saizo isn't the only villain in this story, you'll meet the next one soon.   
  
  
Part 3  
Mysterious Love  
  
Sakon Hidetatsu finished putting another coat of lacquer on his dark red armor. The wars were over, and this armor and his sword would serve no further purpose . . . but as he thought of the fighting, and the things he had gone through for his lord he almost regretted what he had to do now. He placed the armor into the large wooden box. He pulled his Katana from the wooden box, he pulled it from it's sheath for the last time, listening to it cut through the air as he moved it.  
An old friend, who had saved his life more times than he could count. That is what he thought of this sword. But his terrible sin was that it'd ended more lives. Sakon hadn't been a hero, but he had been a decent warrior. Decent, what a word for a warrior.  
He placed the Katana back into its sheath, then placed it reverently in the box. He held his long dagger in his hand next. He closed his eyes and said a silent prayer. Something told him he'd need it still, and he hoped and prayed that it was just warrior's suspicion. Still, he placed in his shirt close to his chest and out of sight.  
He walked out of the small shed, dragging with him with trunk that held his weapons. He came to the place where his family had been buried for generations. He came to the deep hole, the hole that was meant for his son Yume. Yume had been captured in the war, Sakon wept bitter tears as he thought of how powerless he was to save his son in the heat of battle. He threw the chest into the hole. "Never will I don arms again." He said. He clenched his fist.  
  
  
Ryoga sat in the common room of the Tendo home with Akane and Ranma. He forced himself to laugh at Akane's unfunny joke. She'd become quite a comedian lately, she was experimenting he supposed. It's been during his stay in Nabiki's room (Four days ago, in which time Kasumi cooked two rat stews and Ryoga visited Hawaii. How he got there, no one knows) that he learned why. There would be a school talent show and Akane was planning on entering, or so Ryoga gathered.  
"Okay, lets try this one." Akane said.  
"Let's not," Ranma said. "Why are you trying to be a comedian? Why not just wow them with your martial arts?"  
"Because I want everyone at school to know that there is more to Akane Tendo than martial arts!" She cried.  
"But there isn't!" Ranma said.  
Ryoga boxed Ranma's head. "Don't listen to him Akane, I think you're very funny." He said.  
"I know!" Ranma said, apparently taking Ryoga's blow in stride. "Cook for them! If they don't give you a ten out of ten, you can make them eat it!"  
Ryoga almost laughed but caught himself. Akane didn't seem amused at all. "How about if I force *you* to eat something I cook?" She asked.  
Ranma made an over dramatic show of dying. Ryoga on the other hand was shameless. "I'd be happy to eat anything you cook!" He said. "I don't want to offend your sister, but you are a superior cook to Kasumi!"  
"She's WHAT!" Kasumi screamed from the kitchen.  
"Er . . . I mean to say that your at an even stride with your sister Kasumi, but with experience-er I mean lots of experience and several miracles you *could* be superior to Kasumi." Ryoga said, not wanting to suffer the wrath of Kasumi.  
"Really Ryoga? Well in that case why don't I cook you and Ranma dinner tonight?"  
"Count me out." Ranma said. "If Ryoga has a death wish that's fine, but I'm not gonna-" Akane boxed him on the head.  
"Oh you'll eat what I cook alright." She said with a wry smile. "And you'll like it too."  
"Eh . . . if you say so." Ranma coughed.  
  
"Lethal cooking?" Saizo coughed. "I think I like this one. Sakon, can we please watch the family keel over when they eat her food?"  
"I'm quite sure it's just a joke." Sakon sighed.  
"Please?" Saizo pleaded.  
"If you promise not to continue scaring the eldest daughter with rats." Sakon said. "Permanently." He added.  
"Oh! Forget it then, I don't care about the rats, she's building an immunity to them anyway! Last time she didn't scream nearly as much, and she grabbed the hammer."  
Sakon shook his head. "You know, a new group of campers visited the swa-forest today. A lovely young couple, so happy to be together." Saizo perked up at this news. "The woman has a nice long neck, ideal for-"  
"As I've said before Sakon, I'm no fool. You detest my murdering fun and you try to hide every couple that comes to our forest. You and that Jasper."  
"Leave Jasper out of this." Sakon said.  
"I have been meaning to ask where Jasper came from." Saizo said.  
"It doesn't matter." Sakon said. "The important thing is that Jasper is there, and so long as she is you wont be claiming anymore lives." He shook his head. "Or at least that's what I thought. Why these ones Saizo?"  
"Because they bug me." Saizo said. "Something . . . in the back of my head is telling me . . . well I don't know what it's telling me but it only happens around this family. It's funny, I tried following the boy with fangs and I didn't feel it. I tried following those girls-the ones I don't like-and I felt nothing beyond a bit of anger when they acted like whores with that stupid boy-"  
"I get the picture." Sakon said sourly. "So you hate these girls?"  
"And their father." Saizo said. "But you and I both know I can only possess girls my age or younger." She scoffed. "That's why I can't get to that cooking girl." Saizo giggled. "Imagine their shock when their quiet cook goes psycho!"  
Sakon's hand wondered to his dagger, Saizo promptly stopped laughing. "Relax." She said. "I promised I wouldn't kill them. Come now Sakon, why not let me haunt this place? It saves the people visiting our forest."  
"Because I have the same feeling you have in the back of my head. Only difference is I feel like these ones may break our curse."  
That was actually nothing like what Saizo felt. She didn't think the curse could be broken, and she wasn't sure if she wanted it broken. Sakon was bound to her for eternity, she liked that. Sure he often threatened her, but it was better than nothing, and it was better than Yuki who spent the last five hundred years sulking.  
  
Later that day, at dinner time  
  
Nabiki sat quietly at the dinner table. Akane had made two thirds of the dinner tonight, the strange shapes and colors made it obvious. Of course with Kasumi too afraid to cook properly the amount of Akane Cuisine might be much less she thought. Still, there was little to nothing she saw that looked edible.  
"Gee. This looks great Akane!" Ryoga said. "Really great!"  
"Down boy." Nabiki sighed.  
"What is this? Crab?" Ranma asked, poking at the main course.  
"You idiot Ranma, it's obviously a salad." Ryoga said.  
"It's tuna casserole." Nabiki said.  
"It's a rat!" Kasumi cried.  
"That would be my beautiful thanks giving turkey!" Akane said indignantly.  
". . . And it is LOVELY!" Ranma said as he saw Akane preparing to hit him.  
"B-beautiful!" Ryoga said.  
"I looked better as a tuna casserole." Nabiki sighed. Akane gave her a deadly look. Nabiki gave her little sister a challenging smile. "I bet if you tried to make a casserole it'd come out looking just like a beautiful thanks giving turkey."  
"Why you-"  
"Akane!" Tendo cried. "It's lovely, Nabiki is only joking, and to show how much she loves your turkey she'll have the first bite."  
"Like fun she will!" Akane laughed wickedly. "I want Ranma to have to first bite."  
'Thank you Buddha, God, and capitalism.' She sighed.  
"But wasn't it Ryoga who said you rivaled Kasumi as a cook?" Ranma asked.  
"Yeah!" Kasumi said, giving Ryoga a hurt glance. "Were you serious? Tell me you weren't serious!"  
"I eh . . . I mean . . ." Ryoga said.  
"Well Ryoga?" Akane said coldly. "Who's the better cook?"  
"I . . . I uh . . ."  
"Here! He should taste some of your cooking Akane, and some of Kasumi's!" Ranma said with a smile.  
Nabiki had a thought. She smiled weakly. Was it worth it? Sure . . . eh . . . would it be worth it? Nothing was worth her own money, not even Ryoga's plight. But she was hungry and she sure wasn't going to eat Akane's food.  
She'd have to make a sacrifice. "Oh my god Kasumi! Is that a rat?"  
"WHAT!?!?" Kasumi screamed, jumping up and throwing the whole table out the door. She took a pan from some unseen fold of her apron and began hitting Ranma on the head screaming "It's in my hair! It's in my hair! Kill it! Kill it!"  
  
Saizo would have died laughing if she wasn't already dead. "By the demons that was great!" She cried. "How did I ever not like that girl? Oh that's rich! In her hair eh? Oh that's not a bad idea eh Sakon?"  
Sakon sat morosely in the corner. "What? Did you say something . . . Saizo what did you do!?" He cried, seeing the chaos ensuing.  
"I did nothing! It was the one who looks like Yuki! She's my favorite! You should have seen that girl with the frying pan . . . eh . . . Kasumi! Yeah you should have seen her throw the table!"  
"Oh . . . I have a headache."  
"What? That's impossible, your dead." Saizo said.  
"It's a bloody miracle then, because by god Saizo you're giving me a headache!"  
"Hey, look Sakon, that Kasumi should have been a warrior not a house wife!"  
"I don't think she is a wife."  
"Ho-ho-ha?" Saizo frowned.   
"Have you seen a husband?" Sakon asked.  
"Well no . . . I eh . . . I thought he might be away or something. Like the boy with fangs, he's an adventurer or something? He's always far away. But I haven't figured out who he's married to yet, I think it's the youngest one, but then they keep calling the pig tailed boy her fiancée."  
"We've been here for almost two weeks, are you telling me that your so called 'casing' has come up so short that you don't even know that Kasumi isn't married?"  
"At her bloody age? What is she a nun?" Saizo exclaimed. "Eh, I mean of course I knew. I . . . oh hell I'm just starting to learn their bloody names Sakon give me a break!"  
  
"Oh dinner is ruined!" Kasumi cried.  
"Praise capitalism!" Nabiki cried. "Eh . . . I mean I'm very sorry Akane. I thought it was a rat."  
"A rat! Oh! Oh! It's in my-"  
"There is nothing in your hair." Ranma said, rubbing his head.  
"Well, Kasumi is hysterical, and Akane is currently in shock." Soun said. "So what are we going to do for dinner?"  
Ryoga waved his hand in front of Akane's face. "Hey!" He exclaimed. "She is in shock! I thought she was just being uncharacteristically quiet." He frowned. "Her eyes are still open . . . you don't think she's paralyzed with grief do you?"  
"Paralyzed with rage is more like it." Soun said.  
"Don't worry daddy, Ryoga and I will come back with a bucket of chicken . . . or something." Nabiki said.  
"What?" Ryoga asked. "Why me?" Why was Nabiki volunteering his services? "Why not Ranma?"  
"Ranma needs to stay here with Akane." Nabiki said. "As her fiancée he should be the one to comfort her when she gets back to normal."  
"But I should be here too for . . . moral support!" Ryoga protested. "Akane needs me!" Why should Ranma be in the right place at the right time? Akane needed to see that he cared too!  
"So do I, I'm not bringing dinner back myself." Nabiki said.  
"Well if you take Ryoga, you won't bring it back for a week if at all." Ranma said. "I better go."  
"No Ranma, you don't have any money-er I mean your just not strong enough. So uh . . . c'mon Ryoga."  
"She's right." Soun said. "Ranma you should stay with Akane. Ryoga, you go with Nabiki and bring back food."  
"Uh . . . yes sir." Ryoga sighed.  
"Pizza!" Ranma cried.  
"Chinese!" Genma said.  
"CAKE!" Kasumi cried. "And chocolate! I need junk food I'm having a nervous break down!"  
"Hey, Kasumi is that a rat in your-" Nabiki began with a snicker.  
"AAAHHHH!"  
Ryoga frowned, it was strange, for some reason he could hear some one laughing as Kasumi screamed and rolled around on the ground.  
"We could use some money daddy." Nabiki said.  
"Oh . . . eh sure." Soun said, handing Nabiki some money.  
"Thank you!" She said. "C'mon Ryoga."  
"I still don't see why you want-"  
"Hey Ryoga!" Ranma whispered. Ryoga missed the menacing tone in Ranma's voice. "Don't ya see it? She's coming on to you. If she were serious about dinner she'd call out."  
"Y-you think so?" Ryoga frowned. He sort of felt like Nabiki was coming on to him during the camping trip . . . no! No he loved Akane. "It doesn't matter, you go, I have to stay with Akane." He whispered back to Ranma.  
"Ryoga!" Nabiki said angrily. "Are you coming or not? I'm not waiting all night."  
Ryoga frowned and ran after Nabiki. 


	5. Eternal Torment! Yuki Attacks!

Disclaimer: I don't own ANYTHING but Saizo, Sakon, Yuki and Toki, but I don't care if you copy them so long as you tell me so I can read your fic and review (And I promise I will). Anyway I also own this story, I'm pretty sure I made up the Sakon/Saizo story but I might have seen it in some old Asian movie-I watch those some times.   
  
Part 4  
Eternal Torment! Yuki Attacks!  
  
A/N: BIG chapter!  
  
  
  
Saizo watched Sakon work in the fields. Yume's loss was a terrible burden to him, she could tell. The war had not killed Sakon Hidetatsu, it had only made him stronger. His muscles were impressive, and his eagerness to drown his sorrow in work was, in it's way commendable. Yuki's chest burned as she watched Sakon work. The sun beating down on his back made him shine with sweat, and Yuki felt as if his splendor might blind her.  
"Sister!" Yuki said from behind her. "You have come to visit?"  
Saizo turned around. "Mmm? Oh, Yuki. Yes, I have come older sister, to offer my supreme grief and condolences to you and your husband at the loss of young lord Yume. Truly he was a prince among such rabble children."  
"Yes." Yuki said, filled with her own grief. "But my son died a man." She said softly.  
"My poor older sister, you are in no condition to prepare the meal tonight. Pray, let me do it?" Saizo asked sweetly.  
Yuki smiled weakly. She looked very tired. "Indeed little sister I would be greatly relieved." She said. "Poor Sakon works in the fields, he does not stop for anything but dinner." Yuki said weakly.  
'He'll stop for me.' Saizo thought. 'By god I'll make his grief go away, don't worry about that my *dear* older sister.'  
  
Saizo glared at her sleeping sister. Curse her that she not only bore just one son, she lost him as well! The Yama family was very poor, Yuki being chosen as the wife of that family's first and only son was a god send for the Yama family. But Yuki was a fool! She couldn't even perform the roles of a wife properly, though it was true Saizo had been naught but a babe in her mother's arms at the time of her elder sister's marriage, if Sakon had chosen Saizo he'd have so many sons he wouldn't mind the loss of Yume.  
The Hidetatsu family was so disgustingly rich that Saizo's father had even offered Saizo to Yume as a concubine! Luckily he didn't live to make *that* arrangement. Saizo hadn't been involved in the old man's death, but had she become her own nephew's concubine she might just have pulled a few strings. Saizo might not have minded being Yume's *wife* but a lowly concubine to a child of a man? Fah!  
Yuki realized she was mixing her poison with her fist and promptly stopped. In her anger she had ruined the formula . . . She tossed the herbs into her hand and called the dog to her. "Come, I have an important task for you." The dog trotted over to her and began licking her hands, and the poison as well. "You're going to be in an awful lot of pain, but you wont die. Make sure you play with master Sakon before then."  
'It's time to take what belongs to us.' The voice in Saizo's head said. 'Wont it be fun?'  
Saizo smiled weakly. She had always had a way with animals, the dog rushed off, barking happily and running into the yard. She began to hum to herself. She hated dogs, but she had no reason to kill this one. The poison wouldn't work on the dog, it'd just go nuts and chase it's tail for about a day. Now Yuki was another story, Saizo began mixing another batch of poison . . .  
  
  
Ryoga's stomach was growling, but he was trying to keep Nabiki from noticing him. He followed her, concentrating on it since he knew that she was the only way he'd get back to Akane. At the same time, though he couldn't get Akane out of his head, he loved being out in the cool night with Nabiki. It was sort of nice, he didn't know why.  
He did think of what Ranma said. He didn't know how he'd feel or what he'd do if Nabiki really did like him. If this had happened about a month earlier he'd just let her down easy-like but now he just wasn't sure. She'd gave him marshmallows, as stupid as it sounded. Hey! Wait a minute they'd all been on fire! (Now he figures it out eh?) She'd been flirting with him! (Doh!)  
"Where should we go?" Nabiki asked.  
"I don't care, as long as it's close." Ryoga said.  
"Cold out isn't it?" Nabiki said.  
"I guess."  
"Should we go see Ukyo's place?"  
"She may be closed-"  
"If we told her that Ranma wanted it she'd open on Christmas day." Nabiki scoffed. "Okay, so you know anyplace you wanna go to?"  
"No." Ryoga admitted. "Do you?"  
"Hey I got it!" Nabiki exclaimed. "What about Shampoo?"  
"No!" Ryoga said. "I can't STAND listening to her Ranma praise!"  
"No you moron! We have her deliver to the house and we can go where ever we want." Nabiki said.  
"But you took all your dad's money, who'll pay for it?"  
"You know it's free if Ranma is involved." Nabiki said.  
  
Yuki sat on the stone in the swamp, temporarily taking a solid form. Yuki, like Sakon and Saizo could take a solid form when she desired for two hours a week, it required a great deal of concentration and it took a great deal of her power (thus the time limit). She'd hoped that in death she'd see her son again, but she wasn't blessed with the gift of the afterlife, she was cursed with a sore curse, living on but not living at all.  
She wept into her hands, wiping her eyes on her burnt white kimono. 'Yuki . . . don't cry like that . . . why must you cry?' she said to herself.  
'Because I'm dead! And betrayed by my sister and husband! What better reason has a woman to cry?' She responded in her head.  
'But why should we cry? We should make THEM cry!' The voice in her head said forcefully.  
'No! No I won't hurt them!'  
'They betrayed you . . . us.' The voice said.  
'But . . . I . . . I cant!'  
'But we can.' That voice said. 'None would oppose us.'  
"No!" Yuki screamed into the night. "Never!" 'Never will I harm my beloved Sakon! Never you hear me?'  
'But he harmed you . . . we just get even, he can't die twice.'  
Yuki thought about this. 'No.' she thought. 'What am I thinking? I won't harm Sakon or Saizo, no matter how much they deserve it!'  
'Then go see them. We've cried for five hundred years, let us go see our husband Sakon!'  
'No!' Yuki moaned in her own head. 'No! No I wont!'  
'But why not? You know it was Saizo who killed Yume.'  
At the mention of her son Yuki began to lose her concentration, and her solid body disappeared. With it went that damnable voice. But Yuki was outraged. Of course it was Saizo! Who else would it be? She must have . . . NO! No she couldn't if she wanted to, Yume was taken on the battlefield!  
But Saizo! Saizo! Saizo! Yuki clenched her spectral fists. "SAIZO!" She screamed into the night. Though she had no body, her words were heard by all life in the swamp. "SAIZO I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!" Yuki heard the birds and frogs, they were scared. She slumped and began to cry into her hands again. "Oh what have I said? What am I thinking?" She wondered out loud. "Will I never be myself again?" She shook her head. "I . . . I should get out of the swamp. I suppose. Perhaps if I visited Sakon and Saizo."  
  
"Feel that?" Saizo asked.  
"She's at it again." Sakon said morosely.  
  
Nabiki and Ryoga walked through the town, it was getting late and they still hadn't found a place they could agree upon. Suddenly Ryoga ran to a minimart and stared into the window. Nabiki ran after him. "What is it?" She asked.  
"Look Nabiki!" Ryoga said. "Our food problems are solved!"  
Nabiki looked into the window and saw . . . nothing.  
"They have Pickles Nabiki!" Ryoga said with excitement. "Pickles!"  
"What!?" Nabiki cried.  
"Please say we can get pickles!" Ryoga pleaded.  
"You pervert!" Nabiki scoffed.  
"But they're delicious!" Ryoga whined.  
"What? Oh you actually plan to eat them. Well okay I take back that thing about you being a pervert but still, no pickles."  
"But they're delicious!" Ryoga repeated.  
"That they may well be, but the fact is that were going to a restaurant to eat, I'm not buying a bottle of pickles."  
"Aww . . . maybe just one?" Ryoga asked.  
"No!" Nabiki said. "Pickles make me nervous." She shook her head.  
"But why?" Ryoga asked.  
Nabiki was hurtled into a cold dark world of pain and laughter-other people's laughter. "Pickles don't eat people, people eat pickles!" Damn those elementary school kids! 'Damn them' Nabiki thought. 'How dare they make fun of me!'  
"Because their green." She lied.  
"Huh?"  
"And . . ." Nabiki sighed. "And because they're going to conquer the world Ryoga."  
"Whoa!" Ryoga said, still staring into the window, not paying attention to her at all.  
"They're going to come out of their jars at night and take over our bodies." Nabiki added, checking to see if Ryoga was paying any attention to her.  
"Whoa!" Ryoga said. He wasn't.  
"January first, two thousand four, that's when they make their move." Nabiki said lamely, annoyed that Ryoga's focus had gone over to a bottle of . . . vegetables? What the heck were pickles?  
"Can't we buy just on jar?" Ryoga asked.  
"No! Not one! Okay, that's it, I see a place over there, were going now!"  
"Do you think they'll have-"  
"Sure." Nabiki sighed, starting to wish she *had* brought Ranma with her. "They'll have pickles for you Ryoga."  
  
Ryoga sat patiently in the restaurant with Nabiki. It was a pretty nice place; he didn't like it at all. They had a waiter and everything; it made him feel uneasy.  
"Now isn't this better than wondering around in the cold Ryoga?" Nabiki asked.  
"Yeah." Ryoga shrugged. What Ranma told him was starting to make more and more sense. Nabiki had forced him to come with her, then ordered out like Ranma said she should have, then she dragged him to a restaurant. "Uh, Nabiki. If anyone asks, this isn't a date right?"  
"Of course not." She said casually.  
'Drat!' Ryoga thought. 'She's a smooth one, doesn't reveal a thing, she's calm as the eye of a storm.' He shook his head. "So . . . if this were a date, I'd know right?"  
"Yes." Nabiki said with a shrug.  
"How?" Ryoga asked.  
"I'd tell you." Nabiki said impatiently. "And I'd wear something really nice, probably force you too as well. But don't worry about it, because this isn't a date. I don't go for younger guys, and I wouldn't want to try to tare you away from Akane for too long."  
Ryoga nodded. 'As long as we understand each other.' He said to himself. 'Why am I suddenly disappointed? What is wrong with me?'  
"Although . . ." Nabiki said with a mischievous grin, "what Akane doesn't know, wont hurt her will it?" She asked. She leaned over the table and kissed Ryoga on the cheek. "Will it? Ryoga-honey?"  
"Wh-what!?" Ryoga cried in protest.  
"Just kidding!" Nabiki said, laughing wickedly. Ryoga tried to be mad at her, but it didn't work. He tried to act humiliated, that didn't work. In the end, he found himself laughing too. "You really like Akane huh?" Nabiki asked.  
"What makes you say that?" Ryoga asked.  
"Gut instinct." Nabiki smiled. "And the fact that you turn red whenever I tease you about her. Oh, and lets not forget that you keep asking when we can go back to check on her."  
"Speaking of which, when can we go back?" Ryoga asked. "When were done here?"  
"No." Nabiki said. "After this were going to walk around a little more. Trust me, it's best if we don't come back at all tonight."  
Ryoga gave her a shocked look. What was she implying?  
"I don't mean it that way." Nabiki said, apparently sensing what he was thinking. "I just mean it's best if we don't turn up until Akane is asleep, and if she waits up on us all night, and she will, it may just be best to go home in the morning while she's jogging."  
"But how will I-"  
"You don't need to check on her, she's fine." Nabiki said. "Why don't you worry about me like that?" She asked. "I tell you I'm afraid of pickles and you don't even care. It must be love between you and Akane."  
Ryoga didn't notice the accusing tone Nabiki used. But he did notice that the answer he planned: "I don't worry about you because I don't love you" wouldn't come out. Instead he said, "I don't worry about you because you can take care of yourself. I pity the pickle that tries to steal your body." He said.  
Nabiki blushed. "So you *were* listening? Well you know I was just joking about the world domination thing right?" She asked. Ryoga wasn't convinced.  
"Sure hoped so." Ryoga said. "I had stuff I wanted to do during two thousand four." He felt a cold presence, and could have sworn he heard a familiar laugh.  
  
Yuki moved slowly though the night, searching for Sakon and Saizo. She sensed Sakon nearby, but she couldn't find him. He might be in possession of a mortal body in which case she wouldn't see him . . . but surely she'd sense him just as well.  
'Oh! What's that?' The voice in her head said.  
'Oh? Yes, what is that?" Yuki wondered. She floated through the air towards three people walking down the street.   
She was surprised, one of them was Sakon! He walked slowly after a pair of children, he looked on his guard.  
What amazed Yuki was that one of the young people Sakon followed was a girl, and that girl looked just like she did but with modern cloths and short hair. She was confused. The boy was of no consequence to her. She snuck up behind her unfaithful husband Sakon . . .  
"But tell me, why cant we go back?"  
"Akane would kill me." The girl said.  
"So why am I with you?" the boy asked.  
"I needed a body guard." The girl said. "These streets aren't safe, besides some one had to pay the bill at the restaurant."  
"Yeah, about that, why did I have to pick it up? You asked your dad for money before we left."  
"Yeah, about *that*, I just sort of needed a fatter pocket." The girl said. She shuddered. "Are you cold Ryoga?"  
"You might not be so cold if you wore better shorts." Ryoga responded.  
"What's wrong with my shorts?" The girl asked.  
"What? Eh nothing it's just that I've seen bikinis that revealed less."  
"I'll give you two seconds to run Ryoga." The girl said with an annoyed grin.  
"But I might get lost." Ryoga teased. "Then you won't have a body guard!"  
"Young love." Sakon sighted with a chuckle. "Oh to live again."  
"I wouldn't mind living again." Yuki said coldly more coldly than she'd planned.  
"Yuki!" Sakon said coldly. He turned to face her. "I knew it. When Saizo said she sensed your presence, I knew you'd come for this girl!"  
Yuki was taken aback. "What? Why would I come for this girl?" She asked.  
'Saizo said she sensed us?' A voice in Yuki's head asked.  
"Saizo said she sensed me? You were with Saizo!" Yuki demanded.  
Sakon hung his shoulders. "I was protecting a family from her evil. She'd have two innocent girls pregnant and a poor pig slaughtered if it weren't for me."  
"You are with Saizo and not ME!" Yuki screamed.  
"Yuki?" Sakon said in confusion. "You told me to never come to you again."  
"Regardless! You should have suffered as I have suffered, alone!"  
Sakon scowled. "While you sulked over our deaths, I did what I could to stop Saizo from killing mortals! Which she's been doing for five hundred years!"  
Yuki's eyes burned, she was going to start weeping again. 'Strike him down!' the voice in her head said.  
  
Ryoga felt strange. He heard suddenly some sinister voice say "Strike him down!" he was on his guard immediately, but he didn't know where the voice came from.  
Then he saw Nabiki standing behind him wearing all white, but she had burns on her kimono and long hair that went down to her waist. "What the . . ." the real Nabiki said.  
"Sakon!" The new Nabiki said wickedly. "I will make you pay for your treachery!"  
There was no response Ryoga could hear, but the new Nabiki seemed to hear just fine. "I don't have to hurt you directly! I'll just destroy your little pets!"  
"Destroy!" The sinister voice wailed in disgusting glee that even Ryoga wasn't to stupid to catch.  
The new Nabiki raised her hand towards Nabiki, Ryoga leapt in front of Nabiki in the split second before flame engulfed them both.. The heat was intense, Ryoga had to close his eyes, but soon he realized that it didn't hurt.  
The street was mostly emptied because of the time of night, but those few night crawlers still around ran for dear life now.  
Ryoga opened his eyes and saw the man from the swamp standing in front of them, holding a large shield. He threw it off, and before it ever touched the ground it disappeared in a puff of smoke. "Yuki!" The man said. "Don't do this, their innocent! Your mad, I was too, but you don't know what really happened that night!"  
"I know enough!" Yuki screamed. She clapped her hands roughly together and a shockwave threw Ryoga and Nabiki far back. Ryoga landed on his feet, Nabiki wasn't so lucky, and she landed on her stomach and didn't get up.  
Ryoga looked at her for a split second before charging towards this Yuki.  
"I don't know who you are, or what I've done to anger you, but if it's a fight you want . . . HRAH!" He leapt towards the woman and with a powerful swipe he hit . . . nothing!  
"Run idiot boy!" The man from the swamp said. "You cant harm her!"  
Ryoga shook his head and got up. Yuki had moved easily out of his way, so he lunged forward, launching a powerful kick, this time she didn't try to move, but before he ever hit her the swamp man lunged into his path and caught the kick, he held Ryoga's leg for a moment, then twisted it and pushed him back, Ryoga fell off balance.  
"Don't think I owe you anything Sakon!" Yuki scoffed, blasting Sakon in the back with a blaze of fire. "You and Saizo betrayed me!"  
"Saizo?" Ryoga whispered to himself. Saizo . . . where had he heard that before? He got an image in his head of Akane. Had Akane said something about Saizo? "If I live long enough, I'll ask her." He decided. "But you two! I wont let you walk away from this!" He looked at Nabiki, he wasn't sure but he was a lot angrier seeing her like that than he'd ever been when Akane was injured. 'Akane can fight back.' He thought. He clenched his fists. "I'll send you both to the dark gates off-"  
"Yuki!" Akane screamed. "Here I am, in human form, I'm the one you want! Come older sister dear, and punish me as you will!"  
"Akane!" Ryoga cried.  
"Saizo!" Sakon cried. "I should have known you'd try to take the girl!"  
"Silence Sakon!" Akane/Saizo said. "Come then Yuki, destroy me!"  
"Saizo!" Sakon cried. "Yuki don't do it, you wont be killing Saizo, you'll be ending the life of an innocent-"  
"Silence!" Yuki screamed. She sent a powerful blast towards Akane. Akane stood firm, ready to accept the blast. Ryoga watched and saw Akane jump out of her skin and float away laughing. Sakon lunged forward and threw himself in front of Akane.  
Sakon disappeared, and Akane lay on the ground. Saizo (Ryoga suspected) landed in front of Yuki. "Stupid sister." Yuki grinned and prepared another blast.  
"I see you dealt with your look alike eh? Shame, I liked her."  
Ryoga took two bandannas from his head, and threw them at Saizo and Yuki. They struck, and went right through Saizo, but Yuki was thrown to the side, screaming in pain.  
Saizo's red eyes cleared for a second, and looked at Ryoga. "You . . . you . . . your . . . your . . ." She fell to her knees.  
"I am Ryoga Hibiki." Ryoga said coldly.  
". . . my . . . my . . .your so . . . cruel." Yuki gasped, falling over on her face. "But . . . you haven't killed me . . . I will . . . return you . . . young rouge!"  
Saizo smiled. "Nice going. Yuki is such a wuss, she cant stand to take the slightest bit of damage you know? But then again, neither can Sakon or myself. It breaks our concentration."  
"It . . . what?" Ryoga asked, realizing now that his leg really hurt.  
"Oh, once we lose our concentration we cant maintain our physical forms. Of course their not real bodies."  
Ryoga clenched his fist. "She attacked Nabiki, and you wanted her to attack Akane!" Ryoga said accusingly. "Why?"  
"I don't know why she wanted that girl dead, but I thought it'd be funny if Yuki killed Akane while she was trying to kill me." Saizo giggled.  
Ryoga clenched his fists. "What?" He limped over to Nabiki and checked to see if she was okay. She was alive, but that didn't mean much.  
Saizo came over, carrying Akane. "She's alive too." Saizo said.  
"What happened to Yuki?" Ryoga asked.  
"MM? Oh she's lying in the middle of the street. She'll come to eventually, she's just being over dramatic." Saizo snickered. "Yup, she's crying again."  
"What about the man from the swamp?"  
"My name is Sakon." He said, appearing suddenly. He took Nabiki and threw her over his shoulder. "Lets get these girls back home, then you and I have to have a talk." Sakon said. When Ryoga limped, he shook his head. "Uh . . . sorry about that." He said. "Can you make it or shall I carry you?"  
"Don't touch me!" Ryoga said coldly. "I'll be fine."  
Sakon nodded. "I'm sorry . . . Yuki is my wife-"  
"She WAS your wife!" Saizo snapped.  
"She was and still *is* my wife." Sakon said. "It was a reflex, I couldn't let you harm her."  
"Then why didn't you stop-"  
"I forced myself to stand still for that last attack." Sakon said. "I did throw myself in front of it, but luckily I had no body to block it."  
"I only have a half hour left Sakon. Let's go."  
"Yes, lets get going." Sakon said.  
  
  
Toki watched the group leave. Toki growled and clenched it's fists. That boy, that Ryoga! He would impair his plans! Toki drifted to Yuki's weeping form. 'Come Yuki. Let us go back to the swamp and let us lick our wounds." Toki whispered into her ear, making her think she was thinking it. "We'll kill that Ryoga boy later."  
"N-no. He was j-just defending his friends . . ." Yuki said.  
'Friends? What am I saying?' Toki whispered to Yuki. 'They must die!'  
"Yes! Their friends of Sakon and Saizo! I have to . . . I . . ." Yuki fell to the ground and began to weep again.  
'Come my love. Lets go." Toki said softly. It growled. No way would this Ryoga interfere with it's plans.  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	6. The Beach!

Ryoga: Contrary to popular belief, I'm not in love with Nabiki. It's all her!  
Nabiki: Shut up you son of a-I told you, I don't go for younger guys!  
Grimm: I have to start tying you guys up before I write the disclaimers.  
Akane: Lets order pizza!  
Ukyo: No need, I brought!  
Ranma: Cool!  
Grimm: Eat the pizza in the big steel cage!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own . . . well you should know by now.  
  
Part . . . what? Five?  
The Beach!  
  
  
"This illness is very strange." Saizo said. Yuki knew that her sister was only an apprentice healer, but she trusted the diagnosis. "The cure will need the petals of the rare Shadow Flower."  
"Where can I find this flower, sister?" Yuki asked.  
"In China." Saizo said. "The deep dark forests of China that is. Yes. It'll be white and . . . it'll shimmer silver." Saizo finished.  
"I must go to China!" Yuki said. She set off the next day with Saizo's promise that she'd care for the ill Sakon with all her skill until Yuki's return. As Yuki left the house she saw the large wooden spear that Sakon had stashed under the porch. She took it and, wearing her husband's clothing she marched off for the nearest dock.  
Unfortunately she lacked any sense of direction . . .  
  
  
Nabiki woke up, her whole body hurt. She opened her eyes, and looked around her room. She saw Ryoga, asleep in a chair near the bed, and her father standing in the doorway.  
What'd happened? Why was her whole body stiff? She sat up and shook her head.  
"Nabiki!" Soun cried. "My little girl! Your alive!" He shouted in tears.  
"Alive? Why is that a surprise?" Nabiki asked as her father ran over and hugged her, tears streaming out of his eyes, though that was normal for him.   
"I was so worried, it's been a whole day since Akane came out of her coma, we were about to take you to the hospital! Why, even Ryoga barely left your side!" Soun continued as if Nabiki hadn't said anything.  
"Uh . . . you can let go now daddy. Seriously, my whole body hurts enough, I don't need you to crush me, please!" Nabiki gasped for air as her father released her. "Um . . . daddy, do you mind if I have a second or two alone with Ryoga?"  
Soun looked at her in shock. "Alone? As in all by yourselves? A boy and a girl in the same room in the middle of the night all by themselves?" He frowned and gave Ryoga an appraising glance. "Well okay, but I'm not closing the door." He said.  
Nabiki waited until he was gone, then she shook Ryoga.  
Ryoga's eyes opened lazily. "Hmm? Oh! Nabiki your okay!" he said. "I was so worried, do you remember what happened the other night?"  
"Yes." Nabiki said. "My part of it anyway. Ryoga, what happened after I was knocked out? I uh . . . I *was* knocked out right?"  
"Yeah." Ryoga said. "But that's not what your dad thinks. You remember that guy from the swamp?"  
"Guy from the swamp?" Nabiki asked. "How did you know about that guy?"  
"Uh . . ." Ryoga frowned. "I told him to tell you guys I was okay." He said nervously.  
Nabiki nodded. Ryoga continued: "Well he helped me get you and Akane back to the house, y'see his wife attacked us, she's . . . a martial arts master, and she knocked you flat in seconds."  
"Why was Akane there?"  
"She came looking for us." Ryoga said. "But she was hit so hard, she doesn't remember it."  
Nabiki frowned. She sensed there was something Ryoga wasn't telling her. "Ryoga . . . are you okay?" She asked.  
"I'm fine." Ryoga said.  
"Well . . . I'm sorry. If we'd gone back when you said to, nothing would have happened."  
"It's okay." Ryoga said softly. "You didn't know, and everyone's okay."  
"You didn't leave my side, my dad says." Nabiki said, giving Ryoga an accusing look. "You hoping I'll kick the bucket, or were you just concerned?" She asked smiling.  
"That's not true," Ryoga said. "I spent more time with Akane too, but when she woke up Ranma was there and . . . I eh ... didn't want to get in their way y'know?"  
Nabiki frowned. "Ryoga, you'll never get her if you don't try." She whispered.  
"She's his Fiancée." Ryoga said. "It's wrong to try."  
Nabiki nodded slowly. "Well," she said. "Don't worry about it. C'mon, that chair cant be comfortable at all," Nabiki said, moving over to the side of her bed. "I'll share the bed with you tonight."  
"W-what!?" Ryoga said.  
Nabiki sighed. "I don't mean it that way, I just mean so you don't sprain yourself sleeping in a chair."  
There was the sound of rapid footsteps, and then Soun burst into the room with a sleeping bag and an air mattress. "No need for inappropriate sleeping arrangements, I've got a sleeping bag and an air mattress for you Ryoga, and your welcome to our common room! This way, quickly, march-march-march!"  
Nabiki smiled as Soun led Ryoga out of the room; she was once again unaware of the hateful gaze that fell on her.  
  
Toki glared at the Ryoga boy. It clenched its fists and growled. "I won't let it get in the way of my plans! My masters will rule the world, and this boy won't stop me! I don't care if these three ghosts HAVE taken an interest in him! I made them, and I can destroy them!"  
  
It was two days latter; Ryoga woke up and found Mousse next to him.  
"Oh Shampoo . . . your hair smells so nice . . ."  
"AAAHHHHHH!" Ryoga cried, jumping out of his sleeping bag.  
Mousse woke up, searched around for his glasses and found them; he looked at Ryoga in shock. "Ryoga? What have you done with Shampoo?"  
"Nothing!" Ryoga cried. "Go away!"  
Mousse complied, looking for his beloved Shampoo. "Shampoo?" He called, then began having a conversation with a picture of Ranma. "I've been looking all over for you Shampoo!" He said.  
"Rise and shine Ryoga-baby." Nabiki said, tossing him some umbrellas. "Were going to the beach, Ranma's little gang has decided to tag along."  
"Why don't you ever bring your friends on these family outings?" Kasumi asked Nabiki as she passed by with a large picnic basket.  
"Because I want them to stay my friends." Nabiki said. She looked at Ryoga. "That how you dress for the beach?" she asked.  
"I'm not going!" Ryoga said, still shaken from waking up next to Mousse.  
"Why not?" Nabiki asked.  
"I hate to swim." Ryoga said.  
"That's fine, we'll hang out in the shade then." Nabiki said. "C'mon, I sure would feel safer if you came along Ryoga." She said sweetly. Ryoga had found lately that whenever she said this he simply couldn't refuse whatever she asked of him. Curses.  
  
  
Saizo frowned. "Sakon," she said. "I'm worried about Yuki."  
"That's a first." Sakon scoffed.  
"I think she may try something, it's been four days now."  
"Well, if our time in solid form hadn't run out before I could explain everything to Ryoga . . ." Sakon sighed.  
"Do you think that they will be okay at the beach?"  
Sakon gave Yuki a strange look. "You actually care about their well being?" He asked.  
"Well no, not as such. I don't want little Saizo getting damaged."  
"Little Saizo? You mean Akane? Don't want her damaged? Shish Saizo, you *tried* to get her damaged four nights ago!"  
"Yeah, but now I have this plan, see once I've learned enough about her to pretend to be her . . ."  
"Oh how did I not see that one coming!"  
"You think it's fun being me for a week and a day without killing something? The fight with Yuki was okay, but I need more! I need excitement! I need-"  
"To shut up. I'm going with them to the beach, you go to the swamp and see if Yuki has calmed down yet."  
Saizo nodded. "Yes husband. Oh, and sweetie, one thing."  
"Let me guess: It's a forest?"  
"No." Saizo said. "I was going to say "IT'S A DAMN FOREST YOU SLOW WITTED SOB!!!"  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	7. Show Me Some Talent!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Ranma 1/2 belongs to . . . eh I'm not 100% on who it belongs to now (Does the lady who created it still own it? Or does some mega-corp own it now? Damn mega-corps!) so . . . anyway it don't belong to me. I don't own (takes a deep breath) Tenchi Muyo, Sailor Moon, Card Captors, Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, Digimon, Gundam Wing, Mobile Suit Gundam, the word Gundam (which I think sounds really funny) any of the Mobile Suit Gundam spin-offs, Cowboy Bebop, Bevis and Butthead, Power Puff Girls, Super Mario Bros., Harry Potter, the Proud Family, or ANYTHING else (gasp for air) That's my disclaimer baby!  
  
Grimm: Lets get it on!  
Akane: Pervert!  
Grimm: . . . I meant the fic! Stupid!  
Ryoga: How dare you call beautiful Akane stupid! Even if it IS undeniably TRUE!  
Grimm: Anyway, this chapter is BAD! Bad chapter bad!  
Ryoga: Saizo possesses Akane at the talent show-OUCH!  
Grimm: (is hitting Ryoga on the head) Don't give it away! Anyway, there is a great deal of Anime bashing and America jokes. None of them besides a single crack about Tenchi reflect our TRUE feelings, but . . . well . . . Saizo IS a real jerk.  
Saizo: HEY!  
Ryoga: In other words, if you read this and take it seriously, you're even stupider than Grimm thinks you are.  
Nabiki: And that's pretty stupid.  
Grimm: Yep. It'd make you stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid stooo-pid people.  
Saizo: If I'm such a jerk why are you insulting your readers?  
Grimm: I'm not. I'm insulting my flamers. My mysterious flamers, who haven't showed up yet.  
Ryoga: Isn't that a good thing?  
Grimm: . . . no. I don't have anyone to tease.  
Nabiki: This chapter should get a flame or two!  
Saizo: I can flame you! (Sets Grimm on fire)  
Grimm: AAAHHHH!  
Ryoga: This also has strong language.  
Nabiki: But you're gonna read it anyway! And if you don't you have to pay me . . . lets see . . . what's fair? Okay, FIVE MILLION YEN!  
Grimm: (takes a break from stopping, dropping and rolling) That's fair?  
Nabiki: For me yes. And you're still on fire.  
Grimm: BAH! (Stop, drop, roll)  
  
Part Seven  
Show Me Some Talent!  
  
  
Ryoga wondered through China trying to figure out how to get to the talent show. Ironically Yuki was wondering around the same area, trying to figure out how to get back to her rock and her swamp. Neither one possessing anything resembling a sense or direction, and the fact that the latter still wanted to kill the former didn't help matters when they actually bumped into each other to ask for directions.  
  
  
"Wake up!" Akane cried.  
"Goo'ell." Ranma mumbled.  
"What was that?" Akane demanded.  
"He said 'Go To Heck'" Kasumi said cheerfully. "Of course his words were edited for young ears."  
"What young ears?" Akane cried. "The youngest person here is . . . hey isn't it Ranma?"  
Ranma grunted. "Ifugateooh"  
"I'm not going to ask." Akane sighed. "I'm not showing any interest of any kind and not encouraging you to translate."  
"I frickin hate you." Kasumi said matter-of-factly. "Again, edited for virgin ears."  
"No one in THIS house has 'virgin ears'" Akane mumbled. "WAKE UP RANMA!" She shouted.  
Ranma's half closed eyes snapped open and he screamed when he saw a very angry Akane staring him down. He began running around in circles screaming something in Ranma-Tongue and then leapt into the pond.  
"Things are off to an interesting start . . ." Nabiki sighed.  
"Good luck with the talent show today, Akane." Kasumi added. "Nabiki, wont you be one of the judges?"  
"Yes." Nabiki sighed. "But only because everyone knows I'd be completely unbiased when I vote against-er I mean 'for' Akane."  
"You're gonna vote AGAINST me!?" Akane screeched.  
"I've heard your jokes, frankly I'd rather eat your cooking than hear another. I've already drawn out your score in my mind. A perfect ten!"  
"Wow! That's nice of you Nabiki." Kasumi said.  
"The goal is to get a Zero." Nabiki yawned.  
"Oh . . . well then that's mean of you Nabiki." Kasumi said.  
"Well I had to even it out, Kuno is also a judge and we both know what score he'll give Akane, no matter what her talent or skill is."  
"Why are there so many bias judges?" Soun asked.  
"Because we're the best kind there is." Nabiki noted.  
Akane was bewildered. Were her jokes really that bad? "What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?"  
"One sells watches, one watches cells." Nabiki yawned.  
"NOPE! One sell watches, one . . . oh . . . darn it!" Akane sighed.   
"That joke is older than you are." Kasumi noted.  
"I need fresh material?" Akane asked.  
"That, and a new delivery system." Nabiki said. "It helps if you don't laugh until after the joke is delivered, or better yet-not at all."  
"If I were you, I'd jes go wit Martial Arts." Ranma scoffed. "Even though THAT leaves something ta be desired too."  
"Shut up!" Akane cried. "I've got to prove that there IS more to Akane Tendo than fist fighting and martial arts!"  
"Yeah! Show them your cheerful personality." Ranma enthused.  
Akane lunged on him with a baseball bat that had come from out of nowhere. "RANMA!" She screamed. Her Fiancée's name had become her battle cry lately, which could be seen as romantic if it weren't for the fact that he was the only one she actually fought on a regular basis.  
  
  
About Ten Minutes Later . . .  
  
"And Ukyo gets a perfect zero from all the judges on her perfect cooking!"  
"I'm not in this contest!" Ukyo protested. "I just brought delivery!"  
"It's not delivery!" Kuno cried. "It's Dish-or-no!" (Spell it wrong, no go in disclaimer, no get sued, me happy!)  
"That's an insult!" Ukyo screamed, she lunged at Kuno and began beating the crap out of him.  
"Perfect Zero!" Nabiki announced, laughing her head off.  
"Well . . . she did execute it perfectly, but she lacked the violent rage that we usually see from Akane or Ranma when they beat the stuffing out of Kuno, so I'll have to say . . . a three!" Another judge said.  
"Next up is Akane Tendo!" The announcer cried. "With her barrage of jokes!"  
"Barrage is right!" Nabiki scoffed. "Uh . . . we need a replacement judge, Kuno is unconscious."  
Ranma leapt into Kuno's seat. "Yes! Yes! I get to judge Akane! YES!!!"  
Through it all Saizo just scowled.  
Sakon wasn't really amused either. These children lacked talent in any shape or form. Saizo was hoping that Akane would do something interesting . . . then it hit her. Why hope? Why not make sure?  
  
Akane stumbled slightly as she walked out onto the stage. Akane's eyes changed slightly from her usual happy sweet rage to more of an empty pointless rage.  
Sakon noticed that Saizo was suddenly missing. "Oh fruits." He sighed. "Well this won't end well."  
"Good morning New York!" Akane-Saizo shouted, not even needing the microphone that a judge handed her.  
"So miss Tendo!" One of the judges said. "What is YOUR talent?"  
"I'm going to strip off all my cloths, cover myself in chocolate syrup and let you eat it all off."  
"Seriously?" The judge asked. The crowd became very interested.  
"No."  
"Oh." The crowd sighed. Sakon shook his head.  
"This wont end well." He repeated.  
"Instead I'm going to tell jokes that will leave you all laughing so hard you'll want to commit suicide!"  
"Yay!" the crowd cheered.  
"SILENCE!" Akane-Saizo screamed. "Ahem. So . . . how 'bout those Japanese? Pretty stupid cartoons eh? I mean, have you caught that Tenchi show? To think so many girls would chase after that one boy with the ponytail. He isn't even attractive." Akane-Saizo said. (My opinion of both Tenchi AND Ranma 1/2) "If he were any sort of man, he'd drill each one of them, but he aint. And talk about promoting incest! Isn't the chick with purple hair and the kid with blue hair technically his aunts or something since they're his grandpa's half sisters?"  
"BOO!" The crowd screamed. They were all Tenchi fans obviously. Sakon was still trying to figure out what the heck a 'Tenchi' was. Not to mention that it was a little stupid to insult the Japanese when you were speaking to a full audience of them. The Mexican exchange student was amused though.  
"And don't get me started on Sailor Moon. She fawns over that Tuxedo Mask and we ALL know what SHE wants."  
"BOO!"  
"Shut up ya morons!" Akane-Saizo snapped. "Now, moving on, who's seen Gundam?"  
"ENOUGH!" One of the judges cried.  
"You're worse than before!" Ranma added.  
Saizo never was one for humor. She was usually funny when she was blissfully unaware of how stupid she was. When she tried to be funny, she-like Akane-was the only one who seemed to be entertained.  
"I mean c'mon, a giant robot running around is cool and all, but a stupid little kid with ESP? Gimme a break!"  
"I'm genuinely offended!" A teacher who looked five years old shouted. Sakon didn't know her story, and frankly he didn't care. He was waiting for Saizo to try to kill something, which was-he was pretty sure-her plan.  
"And then the spin-offs! I mean 8th MS sucked, StarDust might have been good if the main character was more likeable, and the one with the kid in it was just stupid! And then Gundam Wing, the best one out of the WHOLE series had more sluts in it than Sailor Moon!"  
"Boo!" Relena Peacecraft shouted from the crowd.  
"Shut up! Like we don't all know that Relena girl wanted to spread her legs the first time she met that suicidal boy. I mean, shish you give women in general a bad name! And then your boy friend! He's blown his own Gundam up more often than the enemy has! And yet it always gets repaired and he always survives the blast! Then you have all the other Gundam pilots and their hoes! I mean, okay so that kid with the Death Scythe might have been cool if he didn't have that gay long hair, and Wufei kicked major tail until he started banging that resistance woman, the one in her thirties-"  
"She's not in her thirties and we never 'banged' I tell you!" Wufei cried.  
"Shut up! Anyway, you have Trowa with his silly haircut and that prostitute who adopts him-they're the worst couple there is besides Heero and the Peacecraft girl! Not to mention the gay kid and his psychotic acquaintance, that skinny girl with the big eyebrows."  
"Those who have insulted a Gundam shall not live to tell about it! Those were the orders I was given!" Trowa announced. But Akane-Saizo threw her microphone at him. It returned like a boomerang after knocking Trowa unconscious.  
"And then the stupid guy with the mask and HIS girl, whom I get these freaky vibes from-I think she wants to bang the gay boy too, but then again he does bare a sick resemblance to this Lighting Baron guy."  
"That's Lighting Count!" Zechs cried. "And there is NO resemblance!"  
"Shut up!" Akane-Saizo snapped. "Oh, and lets not forget the fact that your dumb little robots never explode or take damage in a normal fight, but if there's dramatic music playing their suddenly as powerful as a normal mobile suit and you guys LOSE! I mean c'mon! Yo! Oz soldiers, if you see a Gundam, don't be an idiot and run for help, you'll live longer in a duel trust me!"  
"That's not true at all!" Heero protested.  
"Yes it is! It's a fact! Even a Leo can last at least ten seconds if it's all by itself fighting you losers with it's sword or something! But a swarm of like ten of them you don't hesitate to produce beam cannons!"  
"That's it! I'm outa here!" Heero snapped. The rest of the Gundam cast followed.  
"There goes our guest judges." Nabiki sighed.  
"And Cowboy Bebop, now THERE is a show . . . for idiots! Hey, don't get me wrong, I love Anime-you have too or you get mobbed at school! Oh wait, I already DO get mobbed, or did before my gender-switching fiancée showed up. But that's okay, because," Saizo pretended to whisper "He's blissfully unaware of my sexual epics with his father and the local doctor!"  
The crowd laughed, but it was really more of a forced, painful laugh of shock.  
Sakon sighed. "What a sad case. I should really do something to help . . . eh . . . to lazy."  
"But seriously folks, have you even caught that Yu-Gi-Oh show? I mean, if I lose a card game, I should be so lucky to have my grand father sucked up into some sort of card or some thing. I mean, have you seen MY grandpa? He jumps around with a bag of underwear screaming 'What a Haul!' and then wonders why we keep beating the snot out of him!" The crowd laughed at this, simply because at that very second said pervert showed up with a big bag screaming "What a haul! What a haul!" and being chased by Soun and Genma, both wielding fly swatters.  
Sakon sighed. It'd be funnier if Saizo took the time to know that the old man wasn't actually Akane's grandpa.  
"And have you caught those stupid monster shows? Pokemon, Digimon? And then there's Card Captors, the child of Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh!"  
"How can that be? Card Captors is OLDER than Yu-Gi-Oh!"  
"Shut up!" Saizo threw her microphone at Ranma's head. Then she continued with her joke, not missing a beat. "I mean, c'mon, who are those two grown men that little girl on roller blades lives with? Scandalous, I guess we all know she isn't a virgin."  
"That's not especially funny." Nabiki pointed out. "Especially considering your crack about yourself being the love slave of uncle Saotome and Dr. Tofu."  
"Shut up!" Saizo-Akane snapped. "You want some of this? Come up here! I'll beat the crap out-a you Yuki!"  
"Who-ki?" Ranma asked.  
Nabiki sighed. "Is her five minutes up yet?"  
"Nope." One of the other judges sighed.  
"Did you say something?" Another judge with earplugs asked.  
Sakon wished he could use earplugs.  
"But seriously, I love Anime. But have you SEEN some of those American cartoons? Do they TRY to draw or are they just covering up their inability to animate by making it look deliberate?"  
"BOO!" The crowd jeered.  
"Wait! She's insulting America now!" Some one shouted.  
"Oh . . ." Some one else said.  
"YAY!" The crowd cheered.  
"Bevis and Butthead, now THERE is some screwed up crap right there! And don't get me going on the Powder Puff Girls!"  
"What the heck is she talking about?" Some one asked.  
"Who cares? She's insulting America!"  
"YAY!" The crowd cheered.  
"BOO!" The Mexican student cried.  
"America, not Mexico!" Some one said.  
"Oh . . . Yay!"  
"Then there's Hairy Pot-head!"  
"That's not even American!" Some one cried.  
"Is the five minutes up yet?" Nabiki asked, a pleading tone in her voice.  
"Set the watches ahead!" Ranma announced. "I wanna place my score on her sorry jokes!"  
"Shut up!" Akane-Saizo said, not for the first or last time today. "Now, where was I? Oh yeah! The 'Proud Family' is the saddest bundle of African American stereotypes, jumbled into a TV show I've ever seen!"  
"Are you joking or ranting?" Sakon shouted, only Saizo would hear him.  
"SHUT UP!" Akane-Saizo snapped. Everyone looked at her in surprise because for once no one had said anything or disagreed with her since no one knew what the heck she was talking about anymore.  
"And that's TIME!" Ranma cried.  
"Yes!" Nabiki said.  
"Not yet! She has thirty seconds!" Another judge said.  
"Good! Just enough time for me to get started on that gay little Super Mario Brothers show!" Akane-Saizo said.  
"On second thought . . . yeah, she's out of time." The judge said. "Scores!"  
Akane Saizo gave them all threatening glances and most of them put up low numbers. Ranma put up a zero, Nabiki alone, blissfully unaware of the fact that though Akane might not break her neck, Saizo was a different story, put up a ten.  
Of course Saizo didn't know that the grading scale was backwards (neither did Ranma) and so even though she got a nearly perfect score, she believed that Nabiki had given her a good score and the other five judges had given her bad scores. So she threw her microphone at Ranma and stormed off the stage.  
"Hah!" Ranma cried, taking the head blow in stride. "Did you see that? What low scores!"  
"You moron! The point is to get the least amount of points possible!" Nabiki sighed. "By giving her a zero you technically gave her a ten!"  
Ranma sighed. "Oh . . . oh . . . oh crap."  
"Nabiki was the only one brave enough to give her sister the score she deserved for those blasphemous jokes!" One of the judges said. "I'm ashamed! And here I call myself the President of the Anime Club!"  
"There is no Anime club!" Ranma protested.  
"Shut up!" the boy cried. He ran off crying.  
"We need another judge!" Nabiki sighed.  
Sakon frowned. What the heck. He floated down and possessed the unconscious Kuno. "I shalt judge this event-for I, Upperclassman Kuno am the only man capable of delivering justice to each candidate!" Sakon didn't even have to say it, it came out automatically as he woke Kuno up. He decided maybe this was the wrong boy to possess, still . . . to little, too late.  
  
To Be Continued . . .   
  
Grimm: I told ya, I told ya "bad chapter" but you read it anyway! Curse you!  
Ryoga: I thought Saizo-Akane's jokes were funny.  
Heero: WHAT!  
Ryoga: Well you ARE suicidal, and Tenchi Muyo DOES promote incest.  
Grimm: Regardless, I disclaim all wicked statements made by Saizo.  
Nabiki: Fine.  
Ranma: We don't really care so long as we get our checks in the mail we'll keep working on this fic.  
Grimm: Yes. Well about that . . .  
Tofu: Were not getting paid for THIS fic either?  
Grimm: Nope.  
Ranma: . . . That's it! I'm leaving!  
Grimm: But if you stick around I have the magical powers to cure your curse!  
Ranma: Why would I want that? After all, when I turn into a girl I can look at myself naked!  
Akane: RANMA! You pervert!  
Akane chases Ranma around . . . I dunno I guess it's how they show love . . . sick.  
  
To Be-DOH! I said that already! 


	8. Put your Talent away!

Disclaimer: I own nothing, I regret nothing. Bite me baby! Doh! That's supposed to go in the author's note!  
Author's Note: I do not own Ranma 1/2 or any of it's characters. I did make up the ghosts, Toki and Toki's masters but that's it. Doh! That was supposed to go in the disclaimer!  
  
Grimm: I want to mention, that what with having to rewrite the last chapter, and seriously edit the one before it (dats why tis short) I've accidentally taken out several key facts, one of them would be Saizo's entire motivation behind trying to claim Sakon as her husband. Why did she cause all these problems anyway? Well truth be told Saizo is the victim of this whole saga. Go figure. I know what you're thinking: She poisoned the dog! But hey, just read and you'll find out. But now it's time for the Ranma 1/2 cast to face their REAL problem. (What, three ghosts with a boring background story isn't enough?) You ask, but the answer is NO! IT ISNT!  
  
Part Seven  
Put your talent away! Please!  
  
"What? China? Dark forest?" The man said. "Sir, you're in China alright, but I'm afraid there is no dark forest."  
"What?" A disguised Yuki demanded. "I'm really *in* China? This is no cruel joke?" She threw herself on the ground and wept. "Oh thank Buddha I've made it here in one short month!"  
"How did you get here?" The man asked.  
"I walked." Yuki said simply, upset at being interrupted in prayer.  
"Walked? From where?"  
"Japan."  
"Lie!" The man gasped. "How can you *walk* here from Japan?"  
But Yuki wasn't really interested, she left in search of the Dark Forest . . . that *was* where Saizo had said to find the flowers wasn't it? Oh dear, if only she could remember. If only she knew her map was upside down. If only the map were of any consequence to poor Yuki. Most importantly, if only she could actually read the big sign that said "Leaving China, Entering Mongolia, fear the Khan!"  
(Yeah I know, I know. Just let it slide)  
  
Narrator: At the Furinkan High School Talent Show, Sakon, who has possessed the body of Kuno, is about to make an important discovery . . . Kuno is to stupid to be controlled normally . . .  
  
"I give the pigtailed girl a perfect Zero!" Kuno cried.  
'It's like I can't even control him!' Sakon thought. 'It's as if there's no brain to control, my god the boy is either incredibly spirited, so much so that I cant suppress his sprit, or he is a total, bleeding idiot.  
"But I aint even competing!" Female Ranma cried. "Konatsu is just making me up all pretty, and she wont stop!"  
"I give the excellent makeup tips of Konatsu a perfect Zero!" Kuno cried.  
'It's a mixture of both, I fear.' Sakon sighed. 'Worse, I can't seem to get out. Oh well . . . I suppose I'll sing a song . . .'  
"No body likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms!" Kuno sang. "Long thin slimy ones, short fat juicy ones, itsy bitsy crawly waly worms!"  
'. . . Ooookay.' Sakon thought. 'Eh . . . I think I'll dance?'  
Kuno did nothing.  
'I think I'll sing again.'  
"First you bite the heads off, then you suck the guts out-"  
"Kuno-baby, your making me sick!" Nabiki snapped. "Just shut up!"  
"Then you throw the rest awa-a-a-aay. Long thing slimy ones-"  
"Shut up Kuno!" Some one shouted.  
  
Narrator: It would seem Sakon has made his important discovery!  
  
'I think I'll stop singing now.' Sakon thought. Kuno stopped singing. 'Hmm . . . doesn't prove anything.'  
  
Narrator: Meanwhile . . .  
  
Nabiki frowned. What a stupid talent show. It had been terrible. She walked home alone, giving up her judging position to some other girl. To her surprise as she walked home she ran into none other than Ryoga.   
"Oh, hello Nabiki. Fancy meeting you here. I was just on my way to the talent show." Ryoga said calmly.  
Strange, sounded to calm. Not that Ryoga had any reason to be nervous, he just never sounded so relaxed. "Don't bother, your not missing anything." Nabiki yawned. "I'm just leaving it. Akane already went on stage, her act was worse than ever."  
"Of course. She has no real talent. Not like you anyway." Ryoga said casually. "But if you want to see something fun, I can show you." Ryoga added with a sly smile.  
This was interesting to Nabiki, Ryoga wasn't usually . . . this *way*. There was something different about him, and it interested her. "What have you got to show me that's so interesting?" She asked, making it sound like she didn't care one way or another.  
  
Saizo was back in the rafters, watching the so-called talent show. Hers had been the best act. Of that she was certain.  
Sakon was missing, she could tell he was still nearby, possibly in a body. What surprised her was that Yuki was nearby, she could sense it. Yuki was nearby and coming closer. Oh what fun it would be if her sister showed up with her revenge act and started a fight.  
Saizo's was a miserable existence, though she didn't let Sakon know, and she kept it hidden from Yuki by constant teasing. All she "lived" for was the combat that took place between her and her sister. It was the only thing that could excite her now, except killing things but she was on killing probation by order of Sakon.  
She was not surprised when Yuki crashed through the large doors, followed by that boy, Ryoga.  
It made no sense for the two of them to be together, Saizo had to examine Yuki to be absolutely sure that it wasn't that other girl. It wasn't. And that *was* Ryoga, and he looked fairly well treated, no scars no bruises, had he even tried to fight with Yuki?  
"Traitor?" Saizo wondered.  
Then Yuki clapped her hands and took solid form. She stormed around for a second, inspecting the crowd, looking at people's faces, and passing them by. She stopped when she reached the fool carrying a sword. She inspected his face. She laughed then shook her head.  
"What hast thou done to thine hair Nabiki Tendo?" The boy asked.  
"Silence Sakon." Yuki hissed. She hit the boy on the head and he went unconscious. Sakon emerged from the body and took his solid form. Saizo had been under the impression that he wouldn't be able to do that for a few more days.  
"Yuki." Sakon spat. "Come to fight some more?"  
"No." Yuki said calmly. "You and I, Sakon. And Saizo too. We will end this now."  
"I'd like to note that I have nothing to do with this." Saizo snapped from the rafters.  
"Silence you gutter snipe!"  
"What does that even mean?" Saizo cried. "Who cares what it means, your going down Skippy!"  
"Skippy?" Sakon frowned.  
Saizo took solid form and leapt down from the rafters . . . and fell on her face.  
But she refused to let that stop her! She jumped onto her feet, rubbed her face for a moment, then lunged for her older sister.  
She didn't stop to wonder why she felt pain, though the thought did run through her mind when Yuki dodged to the side and elbowed her in the back of the head as she passed.  
"This talent kicks butt!" One of the judges cried. "Akane, Nabiki and . . . that guy are great actors!"  
"I don't have anything to do with this!" Akane cried. "But that girl looks just like me!"  
Saizo felt slightly insulted. It should be the other way around. Oh what was she thinking? That wasn't important!  
She lunged for Yuki again, this time something quick moved in front of them, and she plowed right into Ryoga.  
Ryoga stopped Yuki's punch, and held them both at arm's length from each other.  
"Now stop that, this isn't the place some one will get hurt." He reasoned.  
"Hey Ryoga, look who's 'talkin ya freak! What did you do when we went to Par-" Ranma shouted, but Ryoga cut him off.  
"I never *touched* Paris!" Ryoga cried.  
"Yes did! You blow it up!" Shampoo cried.  
Saizo grinned. Maybe *she* should blow up something. How about the building?  
  
"So, what's so interesting?" Nabiki demanded. She felt so stupid for following Ryoga, he had no sense of direction, what made her think he wouldn't get lost? Now they wondered around some alley in a very old part of town.  
"I'll show you. You're going to love it." Ryoga said.  
"I'd better not have something to do with pickles." Nabiki scoffed.  
"With whats? Pick olds? What are-"  
"You can't tell me you don't know what pickles are! You told me you loved them!"  
"Oh . . . did I? Well then I do." Ryoga said. Nabiki frowned. "Now . . . let's go see that really cool thing."  
Nabiki didn't suspect Ryoga had some dark motive. After all he was . . . well, an idiot. He wouldn't be able to throw together a sinister plan, more likely than anything the strange feeling she had that she should turn around and go home was just a reaction to the scenery, not the company.  
Oh who was she kidding? "Bye now Ryoga." She sighed. "You bore me."  
"Ryo-who-now? Oh, oh yes fang boy. Eh, er I mean me." Ryoga frowned. Nabiki returned the gesture.  
"What is up with you?" She asked.  
Ryoga grinned wickedly. "I'm going to show you something good."  
"Now you're freaking me out." Nabiki said with a forced calm in her voice.  
"Don't worry. It won't hurt." Ryoga said.  
"What won't hurt?" Nabiki demanded. "And what are you on?"  
"I've wanted a new play thing. And you will help me greatly."  
"Play thing? Okay, I'm leaving." Nabiki spat. "If you want to *play* with me, ask me out like a normal guy, don't make me follow you around town for hours!"  
"Don't be so full of yourself." Ryoga spat. His voice changed a little, it sounded deeper, more sinister. "You only *think* your worth that sort of trouble. If we wanted you we could take you with a few sweet words."  
"We?" Nabiki demanded. "Not another schizophrenic cutie!"  
Ryoga laughed wickedly, then It seemed as if the shadows descended over him, wrapping themselves around him and---  
  
Toki emerged from the shell it'd created. It looked so much like the Ryoga boy. It'd certainly lured his lover off. Of course Toki's plans would probably work better if it knew Nabiki wasn't Ryoga's lover or even love interest. Now she stood there, frozen in time with an impatient look on her face. How like Saizo she was. Only less . . . extreme. Even in the face of one as great as Toki, she showed no fear. Of course, she'd not known that Toki was Toki. If she had, then Toki would have seen respect, and fear.  
It bowed before his masters, they nodded acceptance to him. Perhaps this girl did not know fear yet, but Toki determined now he would teach her some. If the masters allowed it.  
"You have done well." One said.  
"Now let her be a vassal of our holy order!"  
"Holy?" Toki questioned.  
"Fine then, unholy." The master sighed.  
"What is she for?" Toki asked.  
"She is unimportant really." One of the masters said. "When this is over we will either teach her to wash dishes and send her away to be a kitchen slave, or remove her brain and make her a court jester."  
"I like the Jester idea." One master said.  
"I prefer the dishes, but I think she'd work well within a breeding program. She makes my stolen human body feel tight in the pants."  
"Your stolen human body is female!"  
"That's what *you* think."  
"Okay! That's too much information! Gross!"  
"Don't worry, we have no intentions of setting up a breeding program anyway. Let the humans go extinct, see if I care."  
Toki was confused now. The masters always seemed to change their plans. One day they wanted to rule the world, the next they wanted to make mankind forget ice cream existed and the next they wanted to bring peace and prosperity to all the earth. One day they were drawing up plans for controlled human breeding, the next they wanted mankind extinct!  
"On second thought," The first master said. "Let's be nice to her!"  
"I want to cut her head off!" Another whined.  
"Okay! Let's be nice to her, then cut her head off." One of them reasoned.  
Toki frowned. The masters were confusing. "Why don't we . . . continue the plan we have set into motion one thousand years ago?"  
"NO!" One of the masters cried. "Yes!" The same one argued with itself.  
"Yes! I mean no! Yes! Yes!" Another said.  
"Let the peon take control of things. I want a smoothie!"  
"Yes! Lets all get smoothies!"  
Toki grinned with its wolfish snout. "I am honored to be trusted with this task, I will see it done properly." Toki said.  
"Right. You do that." One of the masters nodded. "And eh . . . get back to us on that a'ight?"  
"Yes masters!" Toki said.  
  
Ryoga clenched his fists. "Ranma, this is not an act, if you don't want to help keep these two women from each other's throats then-" but he was cut off as a blaze of fire engulfed him. It didn't hurt, but it was distracting nonetheless.  
The entire room caught fire, Saizo was shooting flames from her hands and laughing like a maniac.  
"I never thought we'd see each other again so soon Sister! But I'd really hoped!"  
"And I never thought I'd die sandwiched between two women!" Sakon cried. "And when it happened they were not only fully clothed, but it wasn't that great either!"  
"We didn't sandwich you you moron!" Yuki screeched.  
"I know, I just felt like I needed to say something." Sakon sighed. "I'm feeling left out here."  
Ryoga blinked a couple of times. "Wait a second . . . we're all on fire, and you guys are talking casually when you're burning? What is wrong with you?"  
"You're talking pretty casually too." Saizo said. "I wanted to torch every thing and every one, but I remembered Sakon won't let me."  
"Why do you listen to him anyway?" Yuki demanded.  
"Good question!" Saizo grinned. The flames became hot and Ryoga fell to his knees, the heat was intense, more so than the heat of the flames that Akane's beauty inspired on his arm, or the flames engulfing the marshmallows poor naive Nabiki had accidentally fed him. Ryoga was burning up! "Ah . . . I don't want to kill this one. I've already got plans for him." Saizo sighed. The flames became cool again, Ryoga shook his head and saw that the building was empty.  
"You and your plans." Sakon spat. He helped Ryoga up. "You'd better go." He said.  
Ryoga shook his head. "No! I want to know exactly what's going on between you three! Because it's obvious by now that it involves Akane and that is something I simply will not tolerate!" Ryoga said.  
"MM? You think we'll stop our fight just to educate you?" Yuki asked. "I may be a ghost, but I will have my revenge, do you hear me?"  
"I know a lot about revenge." Ryoga said calmly. "But you're dead. You can't kill each other. So tell me, Yuki. What good will it do to hate your sister for all eternity?"  
"None. But she must suffer."  
"I do suffer." Saizo whined. "I've suffered longer than either of you! I've counted the minutes, five hours longer than Sakon, a week longer than Yuki."  
"Oh sister . . . I am so sor-" Yuki moved to hug Saizo, then she stopped and frowned. "Hey now, wait a minute! The last time I tried to hug you I got stabbed in the gut with a spear!"  
Saizo fell over laughing. "Oh but my suffering is genuine!" She giggled. "What is the word these modern kids say? Sucker!"  
Ryoga frowned. He was the last person who should be dealing with this sort of thing.  
"Hold it right there!" Some one shouted. Ryoga looked at him, he was a young man, obviously Asian, he looked slightly familiar, he wore glorious red lacquered armor and had two katanas tied to his waist.   
"Yume!" Sakon cried.  
"Yume!" Yuki exclaimed.  
"Yume?" Saizo frowned. "That's not Yume."  
The figure of a young man dressed as a gloriously armored samurai twisted and darkened until it was a . . . a large purple . . . thing.  
"I am Toki!" It cried.  
"Oh my god!" Ryoga gasped. "It is a super intelligent shade of the color purple!"  
"I'm green!" Toki cried.  
"Okay, a stupid shade of the color purple!" Ryoga corrected.  
"No!" Toki cried. "I really am green! Hey! Hey I'm purple now! Oh no! No matter! We will destroy you!"  
"What's up with you?" Sakon asked. "No, wait, let me rephrase that. What are you?"  
"We are Toki!" Toki cried. "We are the greatest forces in the universe!"  
"What, there more of you?" Saizo asked.  
"Toki is one! Toki is many!" Toki explained.  
"Toki is . . . is . . . SO CUTE!" Yuki cried, lunging for the purple creature, which promptly leapt to the side.  
"Toki has a gift for fanged warrior who ruins plans, oh yes."  
"Really? What's that?" Ryoga asked.  
"Toki will let fanged boy fight fanged boy's girl friend to bloody death!"  
"That's a crappy gift!" Ryoga cried. "I won't hurt Akane!"  
"Akane?" Toki frowned. "Said its name was Nabiki."  
"Nabiki? Nabiki isn't my girl friend!"  
"Neither is Akane." Sakon coughed.  
"Hey, you want me ta let yer wife finish you off?" Ryoga threatened.  
"Hey now kid, show some respect fer yer elders!" Sakon protested.  
"Ryoga!" Nabiki shouted. "Prepare to die!"  
"In a second, I'm . . . eh . . . hey!" Ryoga frowned when he saw Nabiki holding the short javelin. She was suddenly wearing white armor; she had a fire in her eyes that Ryoga had only ever seen when Nabiki looked at a large sum of money.  
"I am the great adventurer Yuki Hidetatsu, I will fell thee!"  
"Oh gosh, she's talking like Kuno now!" Ryoga frowned. "Nabiki, wake up! You have become that which you hate the most!"  
Nabiki twitched, but nothing else.  
"Just a moment young lady! I am Yuki Hidetatsu and though the resemblance you bare me is striking, you are not me for three reasons. First of all I sense a terrible greed inside your soul, and secondly, I'm me!"  
"Toki will let all happy couples fight to death!" Toki cried. "Oh yes, such fun it will be!"  
"Happy couples?" Saizo frowned. "Boy oh boy, are you confused! Sakon, Yuki and I are a trio, Ryoga and Nabiki are the only couple, let them fight to the death!"  
"Less talk! More fight!" Toki cried. "Oh yess!" It added with a hiss.  
Ryoga dodged Nabiki's initial assault with her Javelin. He resisted the urge to knock it out of her hands and slap her around with it; she was a girl after all.  
Saizo on the other hand, seemed to have a different solution. She tackled Nabiki, but when Nabiki stood up, only one girl was there.  
"Saizo?" Ryoga questioned.  
"She's possessed your girl friend." Yuki explained.  
"Stop calling her my girl friend! Don't you have a husband to re-kill?" Ryoga demanded.  
"Oh yes! Quite!" Yuki took the javelin Nabiki-Saizo had dropped and charged after Sakon.  
"I'll get you for this kid! When you least expect it!" Sakon cried.  
Nabiki/Saizo got up, shook their head and looked around.  
"This is new." They said.  
"Saizo?" Ryoga asked.  
"Sai-who? Oh Ryoga, what are you doing here?" Nabiki asked.  
Everyone, except Toki froze. Nabiki looked at them. "Who the heck are you people? Why does that girl look like me? Why is that giant purple . . . thing laughing? Why do I have a headache . . . is this building on fire?"  
Ryoga had to admit, he'd forgotten about that last part.  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Grimm: I pity you. Waiting so long, thinking Toki would be a demon or something cool, and it turns out to be a little purple thing. Did you forget this was a humor fic?  
Ryoga: Considering how often you UPDATE I'd say they probably forgot this was a Na/Ry too. Nabiki and I should make out. To remind them.  
Nabiki: Your sick Ryoga!  
Grimm: (Offers Nabiki his cattle prod) Just once though.  
Nabiki: Thanks! (Pokes Ryoga) Get back in yer cage! Hey, that felt good! No wonder your always doing it to us!  
Grimm: Yeah, I know . . . now . . . GET BACK IN YER CAGE! 


	9. Saizo and Nabiki

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except my original characters, which make me no money anyway, so don't sue me! Your "winnings" wouldn't even be able to pay your lawyer bill.  
  
Part 9  
Saizo and Nabiki . . .  
  
Kasumi was about to leave the Tendo Home and go to the market when Nabiki called after her: "Get me a package of army guys while you're out there! Green ones!"  
"But I bought you a package of army guys yesterday!" Kasumi said. "Nabiki, are you building an army?"  
"Yes I am! And we've suffered heavy casualties I need reinforcements! Do it quickly before all is lost!" Nabiki shouted from her bedroom.  
Kasumi shook her head. It'd been two days since the talent show and Nabiki was acting very strangely. She kept asking for army guys, she'd stolen all of Akane's action figures from the attic that Kasumi had completely forgotten existed, and she locked herself in her room all day and night. She was refusing to leave it and making it clear that the only things that were allowed in her room were peanut butter sandwiches, money, and Ryoga, when he showed up again. All of these things were to be shoved under the door.  
Kasumi wasn't exactly sure if her sister was getting any liquids, and if she was, Kasumi wasn't sure if she wanted to know *how* she was getting them.  
  
~Don't let up!~ The commander cried. He was well armored, his armor shone like the sun on the battlefield, colored red like the setting sun itself. ~If they breach this line, we're all doomed! Fight harder!~  
A surge and lightly armored warriors rushed a column of well-dressed fighters wearing red. The red warriors rode deadly looking battle steeds, and mowed through the not so well dressed warriors.  
It was brief; the peasants didn't put up much fight.  
It was . . . incredibly amusing.  
And oh so familiar.  
  
  
"It's been two days since the talent show." Ryoga noted. They were, though neither he nor Yuki knew it, on top of mount Fuji.  
"And?" Yuki demanded.  
"Well I still don't see the Tendo home. And I know it doesn't take that long to get from there to the school and back again."  
"AND!?" Yuki demanded.  
"I think you're lost." Ryoga shrugged.  
"I never get lost!"  
"Me neither." Ryoga lied. "I've got the world's best sense of direction."  
"Then which way are we headed?" Yuki demanded.  
"Well . . . it is very cold, there is snow everywhere, so I bet we are in Canada. We are going in the direction of the setting sun, and since in Japan the sun rises in the west and sets in the east I must assume the opposite is true of Canada. So I'd say if we continue to follow the setting sun we would be going north."  
"I concur!" Yuki said.  
And so they followed the rising sun all day and then the setting sun and found themselves at the same point they had been when they decided to follow the sun in the first place.  
"That is the strangest sunset I've ever seen." Ryoga said. "It certainly took a long time."  
"You fool!" Yuki cried. "All this time, we've been following the moon! The night is over, it's day time now!"  
"Then why is it so dark?" Ryoga asked.  
Yuki thought for a moment. Then gasped. "Egads!"  
"E-what?" Ryoga frowned.  
"That monster Toyotomi, the man who caused the death of my son, has caused the death of the sun! And now it will be forever dark!"  
"Um . . . don't think that's entirely accurate."  
"Then what explanation do you offer?"  
"The sun took a very long time to set, because we are on the other side of the world, it's that simple. Canadians are the second weirdest people in the world. Americans are the weirdest. I thought you'd know that Nabi-er Yuki." Ryoga said simply.  
He didn't want to admit it, but he kept confusing Yuki for Nabiki, even though she was obviously older and had long hair. He wondered if one day Nabiki might want to go on a trip-get lost-with him. He doubted it, but the thought kept resurfacing in his mind.  
He kept thinking of Nabiki, he didn't think of Akane whatsoever. He did think occasionally of Kasumi-usually when he was hungry, and he did have a wandering thought of Akari, which he'd dismissed with a shudder.   
"Usually I find my way around by sensing Saizo. Some times I sense Sakon. Right now I don't sense either one of them. I know why I don't sense Saizo, but I don't know what happened to Sakon." Yuki said.  
"What exactly happened to Saizo?" Ryoga asked.  
"She tried to posses a girl who was already possessed. The two spirits canceled each other out, Toki's control over your girl friend was lost, but so was Saizo."  
"Are you sure that's what happened? Oh, and by the way, she's not my girl friend."  
"I know." Yuki said. "You'd never manage to hook a girl like her."  
"What!?" Ryoga demanded.  
"I can sense you are purely good. She is purely evil. Like Saizo. You two would never get together."  
"Hey, opposites attract y'know!" Ryoga protested. "What am I saying? You're right, of course you're right, I wouldn't date Nabiki if my life depended on it!"  
"And you are a terrible liar." Yuki noted.  
"Aww shaddap." Ryoga sighed.  
Then the rescue helicopter showed up. "You down there! You are trespassing on Mt. Fuji with no climbing equipment. Board the helicopter and we will take you down, don't argue with us!"  
"Salvation!" Ryoga cried. "We're saved!"  
"We? I'm dead, how can I be saved?" Yuki demanded.  
"Man your depressing!"  
"I try, young one. I try." Yuki said.  
  
Ryoga gulped when he got to the Tendo home, Yuki had disappeared, she had-she said-found Sakon and wanted to go and celebrate the second death of Saizo with him. Ryoga was here to check on Nabiki and to . . . to . . . oh yes! To give Akane presents . . . wait . . . he didn't have any . . . drat!  
Kasumi answered the door. "Oh! Ryoga! Nabiki has been asking for you. Go to her-she needs you now."  
"What?" Ryoga frowned.  
"Go!" Kasumi commanded. "Go now. I'll send some dinner up for you two. Oh, and if the walls start to shake I'll be sending daddy and uncle Saotome in there to separate you two. Be careful Ryoga, in their excitement they may castrate you."  
"What? What are you talking about?" Ryoga protested.  
"Go to her!" Kasumi repeated. "Go and let true love conquer all!" Before Ryoga knew it he'd been thrown into Nabiki's bedroom by an over enthusiastic Kasumi.  
"RYOGA!" Nabiki hissed. "Move! You're in the cannon's firing path!"  
Ryoga found the sight awaiting him truly horrifying. Nabiki was . . . well she really looked more like that Gosunkugi guy than the beautiful Nabiki Tendo that Ryoga knew and . . . appreciated. She was pale, and had bags under her eyes. She was clutching a handful of yen and seemed to be overseeing the . . . the combat.  
There were three different colors of army men on the ground. Green, Gray, Tan as well as what seemed to be an alliance of cowboys and indians. There were also several action figures splayed around the field, some were covered by army men of all sides, some were surrounded by . . . corpses?  
"Quick! Before they slaughter you!"  
"Uh . . . this is a . . . really nice set up you've got here Nabiki." Ryoga said.  
"Oh god! Your legs! I can't watch! Oh no!"  
"Eh . . . you wanted to see me?" Ryoga frowned.  
"What? Oh . . . yes. Yes I did. Come over here and sit with me." She said, patting the spot on the bed next to her. Ryoga had to walk on his toes to get to her, trying not to step on the small army she had set up. He sat next to her and looked at the field. It must have taken her hours to set this up, it looked . . . well he had to admit, it looked pretty cool. Nabiki's strange demeanor ruined the coolness thought and made it seem eerie.  
"Do you see it, Ryoga?" She whispered.  
"See what?"  
"Salvation!" Nabiki proclaimed. "I see it on that battle field. Don't you?"  
"No . . . not really." Ryoga said.  
"The meaning of life Ryoga! I can see it!"  
"Are you saying that combat is the meaning of life?"  
"Of course not! Oh! Ryoga, I need you."  
"Need me?" Ryoga asked.  
"Your strong, you'll live." Nabiki said.  
"I'm confused." Ryoga admitted.  
"You've watched "The Crocodile Hunter" haven't you?"  
"Do I look like the sort of person who watches TV?" Ryoga frowned.  
" . . . Damnation!"  
"Language!" Ryoga scolded. Nabiki threw a pillow over her face and screamed a curse.  
"D'you remember that alligator? The one that allegedly ate you?"  
"Yeah." Ryoga said.  
"We're going to catch it!"  
"We're WHAT!?" Ryoga frowned. "I don't think Sakon would like that!" He gasped to himself. He hadn't meant for Nabiki to hear it, and he doubted she'd understand what that meant anyway.  
"Sakon won't be there. He's having surgery."  
"Surgery?" Ryoga asked.  
"Yes. Doctors are working even now to remove that bug from his butt!"  
"Huh? He's a ghost, he doesn't have a body! Are we talking about the same Sakon?"  
"Maybe." Nabiki said. "Come now! We shall fly!" She kicked her own window open and prepared to leap out. Ryoga grabbed her before she could, and she instead, jumped on his back and shouted, "Go then horsy! To the forest!"  
"It's a swamp." Ryoga frowned.  
"FOREST!" Nabiki hissed.  
(Anyone care to guess where Saizo is?)  
  
Kodachi Kuno paced back and forth, annoyed immensely that the middle Tendo was in fact late for their battle.  
What made this girl think she was anything even resembling a match for Kodachi was a mystery to the younger girl. However, if it was a challenge Middle Tendo wanted, Kodachi Kuno was ready to comply.  
That's about when Middle Tendo-who's name was not important enough to remember-showed up with the lost boy in tow. He was carrying a very large crate.  
"Ah! So you have come at last!" Kodachi cried.  
"Dish Pans to your "come at last"!" Middle Tendo spat. "We're early!"  
"So, you have brought the sidekick of my darling Ranma any your own coffin? How considerate." Kodachi scoffed.  
"Side kick?" The lost boy asked. "Saotome's sidekick? You cannot say that and LIVE! Nabiki, hold this crate while I kick her-"  
"I'm not holding that crate!" Middle Tendo cried. "That is what you are for!"  
"So then! As per the agreement, if I win this battle you will give me my darling Ranma Saotome?" Kodachi pressed.  
"Oh aye." Nabiki said. "But if I win . . ."  
"I give you the title deed of the Kuno estate!" Kodachi nodded. Tatewaki was walking by just then. He fell on his face then ran up to Kodachi.  
"Sister!" He cried. "You are-you DARE to bet our home in a fight to win that fool Saotome?"  
"How can I lose to Middle Tendo?" Kodachi demanded.  
Kuno glanced at Middle Tendo then nodded. "Yes . . . Nabiki Tendo possesses no real battle strength . . ."  
"Hey!" Middle Tendo protested. "Stuppie! Kodachi and I are not going to fight! The agreement was a Reptilian death match!"  
"I thought you meant I had to wear green!" Kodachi cried. "What do you mean by Reptilian Death match?"  
The lost boy put down the crate and opened it. A huge alligator sprang out and landed on him. "A reptilian death match!"  
"Mr. Turtle is a lover, not a fighter!" Kodachi cried. Everyone stared at her for a moment. She then added "Not *my* lover!"  
"I would not have been surprised . . ." Tate trailed off.  
"She does seem the type." Lost boy shrugged.  
"FISH!" Middle Tendo shouted.  
"Very well then!" Kodachi cried. "Mr. Turtle! Fight for your mommy's honor!"  
The huge crocodile called Green Turtle appeared from out of nowhere.  
  
Sakon shook his head. Jasper would rip that shrimp croc to pieces! He watched Nabiki shouting various languages and some gibberish at Kodachi and her pet. Sakon shook his head. He had no interest in seeing Jasper made into a tool for the middle Tendo's money schemes. And yet he didn't dare do anything about it. What could he do? He couldn't possess Kuno, he wasn't *that* stupid. He didn't want to possess Ryoga, and he couldn't possess a girl.  
After the ordeal with Toki he couldn't assume solid form yet either. However what bothered him was Nabiki. What was it about her . . . she seemed so different. It wasn't just the fact that she looked pale as a tissue, or that she had black rings around her eyes, or that she was jumping up and down cursing in languages that she probably shouldn't have understood.  
And Saizo . . . he could tell that Saizo hadn't succeeded in possessing Nabiki, and yet how else could he explain Nabiki's weirdness? She'd shouted several words that Saizo had invented to be her own personal curses over the centuries. Hoggo, Ratbat and horse spit were some of the ridiculous things that only Saizo would be stupid enough to shout out at some one.  
Ryoga looked as if he wanted to shoot himself. And who could blame him? Sakon felt that Kuno was naturally an idiot. His sister-if that was what she was, he was leaning towards botched cloning experiment-was probably similar. And Nabiki had gone insane. Ryoga was standing there with all three of them, yet he was alone on the island of sanity.  
That's when a tiny living mummy hopped by.  
  
"Rivals of the Son-in-law, have you seen son-in-law?" Cologne asked.  
Ryoga frowned. "No we haven't seen Saotome! Can't you see we're busy here?"  
Cologne looked around and nodded. "I see the boy with the sword and his sister are fools as always . . . but the middle Tendo . . . alas I sense a great evil welled up inside her."  
"That's Nabiki for you." Ryoga said.  
"No, I mean more evil than normal. Something I had not thought possible."  
"Hey!" Ryoga said.  
"What?" Cologne asked.  
"Hmm? Oh nothing, that just slipped out." Ryoga said. "Continue.  
Cologne said. "Well it is as if there is some one with her, more evil even than her! YES! Yes that is exactly right, I'm sensing two people!"  
"Saizo . . ." Ryoga trailed off.  
Cologne gasped. "You speak the name of the Decapitating Witch of the Dark Forest?"  
'Dammit I knew she went to China! She told me she just went to harass some burger joint but I knew harassing a burger joint don't take five months!' A voice, which Ryoga recognized as Sakon's shouted indignantly.  
"Can you dispel the spirit without damaging it?" Ryoga asked.  
"No." Cologne said. "I mean, I could, but what do I get from helping you lost boy?"  
"I'll force Saotome to date Shampoo!" Ryoga cried. "Just please help!"  
"I will consider it . . ." Cologne said.  
"Go, Jasper! Eat the living mummy!" Nabiki cried. Ryoga was relieved when Cologne leapt into action.  
First she hit Nabiki on the head. (WHAP) then she shouted "Oh fine then! I will dispel this ghost then put her it in a jar and sell it to that fool who gives me a bottle for every ten I bring him!"  
"Please just dispel the ghost!" Ryoga said. "Nabiki is . . . scaring me!"  
Cologne cast a magical spell . . . and suddenly Nabiki and Saizo were separated. Cologne caught Saizo in a bottle quickly and waved her around. "I captured another ghost!"  
"Nnn . . . now why . . . did you go and . . . do that?" Nabiki demanded. "We were having fun!"  
Cologne frowned. "Excuse me?" She asked. "You and the Decapitating Witch of the Dark Forest were having fun together?"  
"What happened Nabiki?"  
"I'm not sure." Nabiki admitted. "She and I . . . were just suddenly in the same body, but neither one of us had complete control of it. Then she told me-AHH!" Nabiki leapt into the air when Jasper came up to her. She landed in Ryoga's arms. "It's a monster! Get it away! Get it away!"  
"That's not very nice!" Ryoga said. Jasper rubbed herself against his leg. It was . . . uncomfortable, but he didn't want to look weak in front of Nabiki by panicking. Jasper then whapped Turtle on the head, then waddled off towards the swamp.  
"That, is one strange reptile." Ryoga noted.  
"What was it the witch told you?" Cologne asked.  
Nabiki pushed Ryoga away and growled at him for a second. Then she nodded. "She told me her story, or rather, showed it to me. She's lived an interesting life you know, I got to see it through her eyes, evil though they were."  
"Oh is THAT so . . ." Ryoga said. "Well then why don't we just let her out and let her tell it to the rest of us?"  
"No!" Cologne cried. "I will sit and listen to middle Tendo tell the story, but no other. If the story is an appropriate one, I will release the ghost."  
Saizo made an inappropriate hand gesture from inside the bottle. Ryoga shook his head. "It's a long way to the Tendo training hall." He said.  
"Why would we go there?" Nabiki grinned. "Mr. Turtle is out for the count. We can go right inside the Kuno mansion, it's ours now."  
"Fine then!" Kodachi cried. "Take it! Don't doubt that we have millions more all over the world!" Then a squadron of helicopters lifted off taking with them Kodachi's rose garden and moved it over to the next door mansion which Ryoga noticed was also called "Kuno Mansion."  
"Holy crap." Ryoga said. "New neighbors."  
"Tell me this story! Now!" Cologne cried.  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Saizo: NO! You will not TRULY tell them my story will you?  
Grimm: Why not?  
Saizo: . . . eh . . . It's boring! Yes, that's it. Nothing but . . . but eh . . . but drugs, sex, guns and money!  
Grimm: Cut the crap, you know that's not how the story goes.  
Saizo: Reviewers! You tell him not to tell the story!  
Grimm: The script says to have Nabiki tell an abridged version of the story.  
Nabiki: Abridged?  
Grimm: Shortened. Though I really think we should make these chapters longer.  
Nabiki: Your telling me. All these short pointless chapters confuse me.  
Grimm: Then we agree to make the stories six pages as opposed to the current five?  
Ryoga: Only if the extra page contains lemony details about Akane and me!  
Nabiki: . . . (WHACK: Nabiki hits Ryoga right out of the ball park)  
Grimm: I didn't know you could do that.  
Nabiki: Neither did he. 


	10. A Tale worth Telling?

Disclaimer: I own NOTHING. All characters are fictional, with the exception of Oda Nobunaga, who is a historical figure and only mentioned, he makes no appearances. The events spoken of in Saizo's story are fictional, any similarity to any real events at that time are completely coincidental and unintentional.   
  
Two To Tango . . . Three to Die . . . the title no one ever understands . . .   
Part: . . . do you really care?  
  
After negotiating a few booby traps, fending off a few surprise attacks by the Kuno family miniature ninja, who's name Ryoga couldn't really remember for the life of him, the three reached a room that seemed close enough to a living room to sit down and begin the tale telling.  
"Well . . . it all started about five hundred years ago, during Japan's feudal era, with Nobunaga, and Tokugawa and--"  
"That's more like four hundred years." Cologne pointed out.  
"Hey, are you telling the story? Quiet!" Nabiki cried. "Now, as I was saying the story began about five hundred years ago . . ."  
Ryoga leaned close. "Yes?"  
"What?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  
"The story . . . you just . . . stopped . . ." Ryoga said.  
Nabiki stretched out her hand. "Please deposit one thousand yen for the next five sentences."  
"Ha ha ha!" Ryoga scowled. He gave Nabiki the money, she smiled and went to work on the tale.  
"Well, there was a family, the Hidetatsu family, they were relatively wealthy, serving under a lord, Matsu, who in turn served Oda Nobunaga."  
"Oh-ho . . . I do not understand . . ." Ryoga observed.  
Nabiki sighed. Then suddenly she slapped him. "Oda was a big shot back then, those who opposed him suffered terrible deaths, or whatever, he was like . . . *the* Warlord of Japan."  
"I don't watch much TV." Ryoga scoffed.  
"Ever pick up a history book?" Nabiki scoffed.  
"Yes!" Ryoga said defensively.  
"Yeah, well Matsu was ambitious too. Just serving Oda didn't satisfy the head of the Matsu clan, he wanted more power than he could handle. Oda did not like that. Matsu rose in arms to attack a neighboring lord, but Oda struck first . . ." She extended her hand.  
"What? That want five sentences . . ." Ryoga frowned.  
"I asked you about a history book." Nabiki pointed out.  
Ryoga frowned. "Here." He tossed her some yen.  
"Thank you. Well anyway Oda nearly crushed Matsu with that one attack, it was through a mixture of luck and desperation that Matsu managed to win through. Yes, Nobunaga's men were defeated, but Matsu's men were nearly wiped out, he'd captured some of Oda's men and added them to his troops, but that was nothing compared to what Nobunaga was getting ready to throw at the upstart. Matsu summoned every healer he had in his lands, every cleric, priest, shaman, if they knew how to dress a wound they were called in, some were dragged. Enter, Yama Saizo."  
"The witch." Cologne nodded.  
"Uh . . . right." Nabiki said . . . she held out her hand.  
Ryoga hadn't even counted the pauses, he just took her word for it and tossed her the money.  
"Saizo had a nephew serving Matsu. Yumetaka or something. Yume had come out of the battle with barely a scratch, but next time he might not be so lucky. Saizo was a little older, but she'd grown up with Yume, the thought of his death was a bit too much for her. So when one of her patients was lost, she took his armor and when Oda returned she was there to fight alongside Yume."  
"All this for her nephew?" Ryoga raised an eyebrow. He didn't know Saizo incredibly well, but he doubted she'd do such a thing.  
"Yes well . . ." Nabiki trailed off, Ryoga suspected she was keeping something hidden "they fought together, brilliantly, Sakon, Yume, and Ryuko--er . . . well they were doing well, real fighters. But the rest of the army was being pushed back . . ."  
"Pay the woman." Cologne sighed.  
"Can't you handle this one?" Ryoga asked.  
"I did not bring my purse." Cologne batted her wrinkled eyelashes at him. He shuddered and gave Nabiki the last of his money.  
"Succubus." He spat at her.  
Nabiki smiled and shrugged. "I guess this should cover the rest of the story. Well the Matsu commander called a retreat and ordered some men to play rear guard. They were all either overrun or killed by Oda's cavalry, so Yume turns back to try and cover the fleeing rearguard. Sakon and . . . some other guy follows him. Saizo, who has managed to survive by more or less hiding behind the people she came to protect, sees them going back into the melee, what can a girl do but follow?"  
"She could run like a maniac." Ryoga pointed out.  
Nabiki shook her head disapprovingly. "Well she didn't. She turned back and she tried to help them. After a few moments Saizo rushes forward only to find herself surrounded and loses her helmet after a particularly nice blow to the head that leaves her dazed. She's nearly killed, then Yume jumps in and saves her, kicks her back and Sakon grabs her and runs, as you put it, like a maniac. They left Yume, but it's fairly easy to guess what happened to him.  
"After that Matsu was executed. Sakon went into the service of the new lord of the region, but was eventually released. As for Saizo? Well she changed a little, she was overcome with darkness, the story got hazy after that she began trying to seduce Sakon, which didn't work. She managed to poison him and trick her sister, his wife--"  
"Yuki." Ryoga put in."  
"Yeah . . . shut up, I'm trying to tell a story." Nabiki snapped. "Anyway she tricks Yuki into going to China after some wonder flower, which she'd made up off the top of her head."  
'Now that sounds like Saizo.' Ryoga thought.  
"Well the poison made Sakon nuts, she got him to marry her, but I think he really wanted to anyway, I mean Ranma would be able to tell the difference between me and Akane."  
"Ranma . . ." Ryoga scowled.  
'It's a lie! I didn't want to marry her! That part's a lie!' Ryoga heard Sakon in his head, but the ghost hadn't taken physical form . . .  
"So what happened?" Ryoga asked.  
Nabiki shrugged. "Next? Saizo didn't remember much. Yuki came back, miracle huh? She had the flowers and everything! She also had the killing half of a spear."  
"So she stabbed them in bed like your dad's story?"  
Nabiki smiled wickedly. "No. Not at all. She was thrilled to see her sister again, and her husband, they weren't in bed when she got there. But Saizo . . . she panicked, what would Yuki do when she found out what she'd done, eh? She started talking to herself, it was like there were two people in her head! The good side, and the dark side."  
'She's got a good side?' Ryoga wondered, at the same time he heard Sakon scoff it.  
"A confused, frightened and I'd like to think 'insane' Saizo grabbed the spear as Sakon left the room for some reason. Her sister acted . . . well the way I'd see Kasumi acting. She was afraid it might be too heavy, but at the same time she offered to show Saizo how to hold it. She came too close, Saizo ran her through."  
"Ouch." Ryoga shuddered.  
"So she is evil. I should destroy her." Cologne reasoned.  
"I'm not done. She stood over her sister, she went nuts, she was laughing inside, crying outside, then Sakon shows up, they fight for a moment, and she gets him in the stomach just as he gets her in the chest with a dagger."  
Ryoga shuddered. "So . . . that's it? Why are their kimonos singed?"  
"That's all she knows, they were probably burned after their deaths." Nabiki shrugged. "I'd started showing her *my* past after that while she tried to remember her first conscious thoughts as a ghost."  
"You have a past?" Ryoga raised an eyebrow.  
"I haven't always been this teenage sex goddess you see before you." Nabiki shrugged.  
"Well . . . I see no reason not to destroy this evil spirit." Cologne pointed out.  
"Oh c'mon, she's not that bad." Nabiki said.  
"Well I suppose *you* wouldn't think so." Cologne mumbled.  
"Nabiki . . . while you were possessed by her, you spent all your money on army guys . . ." Ryoga pointed out.  
Nabiki's eyes narrowed. "It was *my* money? You're sure?"  
"Yes." Ryoga lied. He'd just sort of assumed.  
Nabiki glared at the jar, Saizo was shaking her head violently in denial of the act of money spending. "Well neither of us was really in control. But I guess you'd better release her, so she can start paying me back. I don't care how." Nabiki growled.  
'How is Saizo going to pay Nabiki back?' Ryoga wondered. 'She cant get a job . . . she'd have to kill or steal for it . . .' he frowned and decided, for the sake of innocent people to be overly noble, "I'll eh . . . handle her expenses." He said.  
"Excellent. Well then Cologne, release her so she can thank Ryoga and get back to her eternal torment.  
  
Sakon felt a tremor run through him, which was strange since he didn't have a body, he really didn't feel much let alone tremors.  
A re-telling of his death, as well as the battle where he'd lost his son. He noted strangely, that Nabiki had avoided mentioning Ryuko.  
The third man to turn back to defend the rear guard, the man who'd introduced Saizo, under disguise, to Yume and Sakon. Sakon had found in Ryuko a loyal friend and servant, and he'd suspected that the younger man had some sort of attraction to Saizo, which despite Ryuko's station Sakon had not minded at all. After all, what did Sakon care about some woman back then?  
When Matsu called upon the smaller Hidetatsu clan for conscripts, Sakon had taken Ryuko, since the man had a basic understanding of martial arts.  
It had been when Ryuko was killed that Saizo had rushed forward and been encircled, it had been then that Yume had recognized her, and against Sakon's command had gone to her aid.  
'How could I forget Ryuko?' He wondered. He could remember just about everything else, at least he thought he could, but he'd forgotten all about Ryuko until Nabiki had nearly slipped and mentioned his name.  
And why had she tried to hide that name?  
He watched as Saizo was released, and suddenly he felt a heavy force of evil in the room. He wasn't entirely sure it was just her.  
  
To Be Continued . . . in less than 6 months.  
  
Check back for the next part . . . soon . . . unless I forgot to pay my bills . . . 


End file.
